Drinking Games for All 32 Teams

09.13.13 4 years ago 49 Comments


So now that the first week of football has ended, and some crappy thursday night football from week 2, it’s time to begin the real fun of the season: drinking yourself into a stupor as things go wrong. There are many quality drinking games to play for the NFL, so lets look at all of our options and you can pick which one to cause you liver damage.

Dallas Cowboys Drinking Game:
– Drink whenever the Camera shows Tony Romo sitting on the bench causally watching the jumbotron
– Whenever Dez Bryant acts like a diva
– Whenever Jason Garrett is a bonehead
– Whenever Jerry Jones is seen in the booth with a surly look

Philadelphia Eagles:
– Whenever the play clock actually gets under 10 seconds before the ball is snapped
– Vick Turnovers
– Anytime you see a defender on the other team throwing up his hands in total confusion at the Eagles Offense
– Anytime you think Chip Kelly would look better as a Walrus coach and want him to grow a stache

Washington Redskins:
– RG3 knee mention
-Anytime London Fletcher makes a tackle and nobody notices
-Any mention of the Read Option

New York Giants:
– Eli Face
– Anytime the Giants get inside the 15 and settle for a field goal
– Coughlin on the sidelines, chewing gum, head cocked sideways, hands on his hips
– anytime Corey Webster blows a coverage

New Orleans Saints:
– Katrina or Bountygate mention
– Crowd shot with fan holding “Who Dat” sign
– Jimmy Johns commercial

Atlanta Falcons:
-Drink every time Mike Smith sits on a lead and basically blows it
-Drink whenever Matt Ryan is a total whitebread dork

Tampa Bay Bucs:
– Drink when they talk about Darrelle Revis too much
– Drink whenever someone says Muscle Hamster

– Superman celebration
– Steve Smith beating someone up

– Drink whenever Finley drops a pass
– Drink whenever Mike McCarthy calls a totally worthless run play
– Drink whenever Mason Crosby shanks a kick
– Drink whenever you just want to see Clay Matthews cut his damn hair

– Drink whenever Adrian Peterson reminds you of what a worthless sack of shit you are compared to him
– Drink whenever Ponder completely wiffs on an open man
– Drink whenever Ponder looks totally confused about life
– Drink because Christian Ponder

-Drink every time Stafford throws it to someone not named Johnson
-Drink whenever Megatron jumps 10 feet in the air for a causal catch
-Drink every time Suh is a dirty asshole

-Drink whenever Jay Cutler makes that stupid face. You know the face. All of them.
– Drink whenever Jay Cutler runs for his life and makes a hasty decision
-Drink whenever you get really confused why they keep showing this old white guy on the sideline then remembering Lovie Smith isn’t the coach anymore

-Drink whenever the commercial bumpers show The Golden Gate Bridge, Alcatraz, Lombard Street, The Streetcar, or pier 39.
-Drink upon every instance of Kaepernicking
-Drink when the Santa Clara stadium is mentioned
-Every Harbaugh Tantrum

-Drink every time you see the Space Needle
-Drink every time Russel Wilson bullshits his way out of a sack
-Drink every time Richard Sherman won’t shut up
-Drink every time Pete Carroll is a douche. Take baby sips.

-Drink whenever someone mentions LA
-Drink when Sam Bradford looks like a cabbage patch kid
-Drink every time you remember the Rams might actually be good

-Drink whenever the O-line DOES NOT completely collapse
-Drink whenever someone says “The Honey Badger”
-Drink every time they show a time lapse of the stadium retracting the grass field
-Drink every time Larry Fitzgerald wishes he was on a better offense

-Drink whenever someone mentions Aaron Hernandez
-Drink whenever Tom Brady acts like a total bitch when someone touches him
-Drink for Tebow

Just drink at all times

-Drink whenever the Bills snatch Defeat from the jaws of success
-Drink when CJ Spiller is used correctly
-Drink when Stevie Johnson gets flagged

-Drink whenever Dan Marino is mentioned
-Drink whenever there are blatant bikini beach shots
-Drink everytime people fail to notice how good Cameron Wake is

-Drink everytime Roethlisberger should just throw the ball, damnit
-Drink whenever the camera focuses on Polamalu’s hair or Brett Keisel’s beard.
-Drink everytime the running backs gain more than 3 yards
-Drink everytime the camera shows one of those super fat ladies swinging a terrible towel like it means something

-Drink whenever Ray Rice probably should have gotten the ball instead of whoever did
-Drink when Ray Lewis is mentioned
-Drink for every Super Bowl montage
-Drink everytime Suggs’ gumline exceeds one inch

I think you’ve had enough, friend, it’s time for you to go.

-Drink everytime it’s obvious Andy Dalton would be shit if AJ Green didn’t exist
-Drink everytime someone makes a Geno Atkins Diet joke
-Drink everytime the defense is underrated

-Drink whenever CJ2K looks like he’s gonna do it again, then fails
-Drink when you forget what team is playing

-Drink every time you think Andrew Luck has a blue orange peel in his mouth, then remember he uses an obnoxiously big mouthguard
-Drink when Reggie Wayne carries the team
-Drink when someone mentions Peyton Manning

-Drink every time someone makes a Jaguars attendance joke, despite the team selling out every game for years and having the best attendance out of all 3 Florida teams
-Drink whenever you can’t remember if the Jags have black helmets or gold ones, then remember how it’s actually both and it makes you want to throw up
-Drink when you’d rather see Chad Henne fail then the abomination that is Blaine Gabbert
-Drink when pictures of MJD’s neck make no physiological sense

-Drink whenever Matt Schaub causes you to experience emotion
-Drink whenever Andre Johnson gets inexplicably wide open
-Drink when JJ Watt swats a pass
-Drink when Brian Cushing isn’t angry

-Drink every time Terrelle Pryor gives you irrational hope
-Drink whenever SeaBass does Seabass things
-Drink when someone makes a stabbing joke
-Drink when they show that one Raider fan with the Darth Vader mask

-Drink as much as you can before Andy Reid gets to it
-Drink when you realize just how much hope Alex fucking Smith has given you
-Drink when Jamaal Charles isn’t used enough

-Drink whenever Philip Rivers makes a punchable face
-Drink when the Chargers have a meltdown
-Drink when you realize you live in San Diego and can do things outside instead of watching these underachievers

-Drink whenever Von Miller is a stupid idiot
-Drink whenever Peyton Manning to Wes Welker makes you pee a little
-Drink when they show John Elway neighing in the booth

Now for other games!

Thursday Night football:
-Take a drink for how many in game minutes passed before you remembered there was a game on
-Take a drink whenever Thursday Night Football is a bad game. Take baby sips.

Sunday afternoon football:
-Drink whenever you switch games because you don’t want to listen to Joe Buck
-Drink every time they go to a “gamebreak” and the other game looks far more interesting than yours
-Drink for every shameless plug

Sunday Night football:
-Drink when Cris Collinsworth fellates a lineman
-Drink when Al Michaels does
-Drink when Bob Costas pisses you off
-Drink for every shameless plug

Monday Night football:
-Drink whenever Gruden says something that is complete nonsense. That should cover you for the night.

This one is complicated, and best played with a large group. THE RULES:
-Pick one of the two quarterbacks playing. Drink whenever the announcers say his FIRST name.
-Drink every time the opposite team gets a first down
-Drink every time either team gets a penalty or takes a timeout
-Chug your drink for shanked field goals
-This last part is the big one: everyone playing picks a skill player, preferably a WR. Everytime that player makes a play, that person has to drink. If that player scores, they take two drinks.

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