EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY — The Bounty on Tony Kornheiser’s Car is Set at $75

09.16.08 9 years ago 37 Comments

It has nothing to do with his unfunny and not particularly offensive remark about Hispanics last night. What it does have to do with is the fact that Tony Kornheiser has reached near-Theismann levels of putrescence in the MNF booth. Whereas his colleague Mike Tirico has developed into a pretty good commentator in the last two years, Kornheiser has gotten, if anything, more schmaltzy and adulatory of superstar players. And, worst of all, less funny.

Readers may wonder why we’re offering the bounty on his car and not he himself, especially after a “stalker” already made off with a car recently from his garage in D.C. (Only a stalker could find the keys he left lying next to the vehicle, of course). Well, Tony’s an old guy and any harm we would visit on his person may soon be inflicted by the ravages of age anyway. Besides, there’s a much easier way to keep him out of the booth: exploit his well-known fear of flying! That’s right. All you need to do is make off with Tony’s car and MNF will see a significant reduction of self-serious opening soliloquies and Favre references.

That said, I have no personal animus toward Tony. I’ve never met him despite the fact that we worked for the same massive blogger-terminating paper for three years. He did mispronounce my name on his radio show once though (rest assured, sending that fussy letter to him wasn’t my idea).

So if there are any more Bernard Pollards out there (though I suppose for this mission Niko Bellic may be more suitable) you stand to reap the reward of $75, no inconsiderable amount in these lean economic times. With it, you could buy:

– Three hardcover John Feinstein books!
– American Idol: The Best and Worst of Seasons 1-4 on DVD!
– An actual old radio for Old Guy Radio!
– A guy who can poorly mimic a British accent!
– Something Jewy!
– Three crab-filled entrees at Rehoboth Beach restaurant of your choice!

Your options are only limited by your imagination. That and obvious economic factors. We realize that with his considerable wealth, he could always get another car should this mission succeed. Then again, we never said this was a one-time offer. So get on it!

pic courtesy Midwesterner’s Guide to Living in New York

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