Eight preseason games that still will not mean anything even if you watch

04.10.15 3 years ago 20 Comments
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Guys, I’m not sure if you saw but BOOM! The NFL dropped the preseason schedule yesterday! Hoooooooooooly shit it’s ON!

Or, to put it another way, who cares? Because the preseason is, technically speaking, garbage. Sad, hot garbage. Literally. Most September games are hot and humid enough; why the blue hell do we need so much August football? There’s loving football and then there’s “oh God I have to catch this Ravens-Buccaneers preseason game!” sadness.

Starters play a drive, maybe two, in game 1. Then they might get a quarter, a little longer if they’re in a tight race to keep their spot, in game 2. A whole half of half-assed football usually follows suit in game 3. Then, in game 4, you may as well put the fat coaches in because that’s all their good for. Seriously, if you really want to change up the schedule, Rog, how about starting with cutting the fourth preseason game? There’s no reason preseason should last an entire freaking month.

But still, it’s football and since fans for 31 out of 32 teams ended up with a very disappointing season this year – particularly you, Seahawks fans, ouch – then we might as well look ahead a little bit to start fooling ourselves into thinking something might could happen, right? Anyway, just like last year, here we gooooooooo.

Week 1
Cowboys @ Chargers
It’s the Derp-Off 2: The Derpening!

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Rams @ Raiders
Wow, the NFL really is sick and twisted. Pitting two franchises who are hell-bent on moving to Los Angeles against each other in a winner-gets-to-move match-up, leaving it all on the fi- oh? It’s not a winner leaves town match? This is just as meaningless as every other Rams game? Crap. I would have watched that if it did decide who moves to L.A. Oh, well.

Redskins @ Browns
Wow, amped for this one. Cleveland in August! Gonna be delightful. This may be an early contender for the Sadness Bowl except it’s so sad it doesn’t even count towards the standings. Seriously, though, this game is dog shit.

Week 2
Falcons @ Jets
Two new coaches, facing off in Jersey, trying to drag their teams off the scrap pile of the NFL back atop the standings. Good luck, fellas. Even if this was a regular season game, there’s only so much I can force myself care about this match-up which is somewhere between “none” and “not at all.”

Packers @ Steelers
This would be a legitimately intriguing match-up in the regular season. Two storied franchises, two star quarterbacks, two pretty good coaches, a rematch of Super Bowl XLV. It has all the makings of a cold late-October/early-November Monday Night game, actually. But, no, it’s dropped here in the middle of August for good measure because sure, why not. Anyway, it may be worth tuning in for the first quarter just because what else are you gonna do?

Week 3
Redskins @ Ravens
The Battle of the Beltway! Jesus Christ, can you imagine how insufferable Berman would be if this were a Monday Night game? And you know it would be because it’s the battle of D.C. and you gotta make some Congressman happy so ESPN can fuck around with FCC rulings or something. I don’t know. The joke’s on RG3, though, as he’s got to go to Baltimore and then survive the return trip after the game.

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Eagles @ Packers
Ok, I have nothing bad to say about this game. It’s week 3 which means the starters will play pretty long – provided no one has torn an ACL getting tackled by a ghost or tripping over a blade of grass at practice (looking at you, Sam Bradford). With the batshit crazy stuff that’s been going on in Philly, that team should be really interesting to watch unfold or implode or spontaneously combust in a blaze of glory. And expectations should be pretty high for the Packers again this year so, yeah, two big NFC teams meeting might not suck for the first half.

Week 4
Texans @ Cowboys
Really, no week 4 game is worth watching. Honestly, you should be doing your fantasy drafts instead of watching this garbage. But, if you absolutely have to, just hate watch this game for all the crowd shots of haughty cowboy assholes in the stands screaming “yeehaw!” and blasting finger guns in the air all game long.

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