The Emo Eagles Will Be Fine Without You, Randy Moss

03.04.08 10 years ago 25 Comments

Song: “Song For the Dumped,” Ben Folds Five
Mood: Jilted :(

Same as it ever was. You think you have so much to offer someone – emotional support, intellectual stimulation, consideration for their needs, a big contract with lots of guaranteed money – and yet they return to easy crutch of the familiar. People can be weak. Change can be a minefield.

I know this to be true, as do my cherished Eagles. Last summer, Samantha was dropping hints that she and Mathias might be on the outs. Now was my chance to show her what I had to offer. I took her to a couple movies she was dying to see. Even went shopping with her, y’know, to show her how much I enjoyed her company. I spent hours listening to her detail the various problems her relationship was undergoing. All the stuff Mathias wouldn’t do for her. We didn’t get physical. There’s no way I could force her to cheat.

There was this one day in July, I was at a Phillies game and she had me on the phone the whole time. She was weeping, I mean, really bawling for hours on end. I don’t even remember what happened in the game, so intense was my concentration with what she had to say. I guess Mathias had really screwed up big. Flirted with some other girl really obviously right in front of her. Even bragged a little about how hot this other girl was. What a dick.

So Samantha says she doesn’t know why she kept falling for assholes like him and why she couldn’t ever settle for a nice guy like me. Then came the bombshell: she had something important to tell me if I’d meet her the next day for lunch.

So I arrived at the Cosi the next day, hoping for the best. Soon enough though, noon turned to 1 o’clock and she hadn’t shown. I called her cell a few times and it kept going straight to voicemail.

A few days went by and I hadn’t heard anything but until I ran into her friend outside the Tower Records (God, I miss it). She told me Samantha was out of town at Mathias’ family’s beach house for the next two weeks. Apparently he told her he was just kidding around about the other girl. He also told her about the beach house.

That’s when I knew I screwed up. If only I’d acted like I cared more during those calls, she’d’ve known I was the one. I mean, I did care. But I really should’ve poured it on. Whould it have killed me to shed a few tears myself?

I think the Eagles learned that lesson too.

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