Facebook Fail-Log: October Edition

Senior Contributor

Last month, we had heaping helpings of TMI with a side of hot spicy racism, but in September, Facebook looked back…felt introspective…and went back to being a constantly updated Maury episode. Have another serving of Facebook gold.

And I’m sure you’ll continue to think it’s very sweet, right up until he shows you “Boxing Helena” and asks how you feel about elective surgery.

“I am not an entitled brat trying to pretend I’m not in the wrong!  AM NOT AM NOT AM NOT!”

Cave Johnson is very disappointed in you, young man.

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We agree with this punishment; Chuck Testa is getting stale fast.

“And that’s how Mommy and Daddy met!”  “Is that also why Daddy ran away?”

We’re not really sure why receiving some gentleman named Richard would get you into difficulty in your workplace, but we’re sure there must be SOME reason…

The really sad thing is that if she had just pretended she was trying to figure it out on a cell phone, she never would have been immortalized as a dolt on the Internet.

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That’s not an insult, Collin.  That’s a request.  Consider muscle building exercises.

“Dear Alanna: to be around your useless entitled ass, we have to drink heavily.  We only invite you because we don’t want to make things awkward socially.  So, you want to come to our parties and annoy us, you leave the crotchfruit with a sitter, like everybody else.  Sincerely, the Human Race.”

Do “Maury” producers troll Facebook for guests, because if they don’t, they really do need to start.  Like, pronto.  Also, Li, if it’s your kid, we’re sorry.  Condoms, bro.

And winner of the Most Nightmarish Thing You Can Ever Experience on Facebook Award goes to…!

Well, we’re glad you two could stay friends.

“Wait, you used your one phone call to do WHAT?!”

Yeah, we’ve got to admit that we kind of want to see that ourselves.

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First of all, don’t admit this on your Facebook, Joel, unless you want every employer from now on to imagine you sitting across from them with chemically burned testicles.  Secondly, the words “burning sensation” on the packaging were probably your biggest hint.

…We saw a movie like that once.

To be fair, this is the level of education one expects from the only state to have its own Fark tag.

Oh, yeah, sure, she’ll get right on that.

I post this image not because it’s new and current, but because apparently there is not a single fervent Christian on Facebook who has ever seen Goatse, or gets for a moment what this image evokes to literally anybody who has been on the Internet long enough to meet a troll.  Seriously, this has been in circulation for years.  YEARS.  Somebody just post Goatse pictures at all the megachurches or something and get it over with.

Sex educators are failing us.

That’s all for this month, but we’ll be back with more Facebook terror.  Until then, don’t put anything on the Internet you don’t want someone else to laugh at.

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