Fake Patrick Willis Has A Very Lucrative Deformity

03.12.12 6 years ago 21 Comments

Over the weekend a couple readers pointed us in the direction of this widely circulated screenshot of a hilariously fake Facebook exchange between Patrick Willis and a teenage girl. Of the things to consider here, the possibility of living in a world where an All-Pro linebacker would be stupid enough to openly trawl on Facebook from underage poon is a clear second to a human being having the ability to cum $100 bills. There’s no chance that, should such a magical person ever exist, that they could become an NFL linebacker. They’d have zero initiative to do anything but get insanely well compensated for fapping. And what if they actually, for whatever reason, wanted to sire children of their own? That’s a downside, I guess. To some. All I know is this could be the raciest Rob Schneider movie plot to date.

In other, less fake, developments: Arizona and Denver are now the reported frontrunners in the Pey-Pey sweepstakes, making all the more tragic the above Dolphins fan repurposing of a Celine Dion song into a musical entreaty to Ol’ Battleship. The Internet was more than satisfied with the Boyz II Men YouTube edit, but thanks guys. Should Peyton end up signing with Denver, word has it that the Broncos would then deal Tebow to another team. Many presumed that trade partner would be Tebow’s hometown of Jacksonville, a franchise still smarting from the criticism of this killer acrostic sign.

But the Jags apparently have no desire to acquire Tebow and exploit the Tebowtards for easy fan support. That’s too bad. I like the idea of trading him to the Bears. Chicago needs a backup and Denver could torment Cutler’s life with instant calls for his benching.

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