Fifty Repulsive Imaginary Foods

04.13.11 6 years ago 130 Comments

I read Wright Thompson’s essay about pimento cheese sandwiches on ESPN the other day (“Only in the South would a sporting event serve pimento cheese.” True, because Southern people are fat and gross.), and was so horrified by it that I immediately thought of fifty things equally as repulsive.

1. Hoof salad
2. Flourless mayonnaise torte
3. Creamed foreskins
4. Artichoke pudding
5. Olive frosting
6. Butterflied horse vagina
7. Eel bread
8. Bleu cheese taffy
9. Poached bran flakes with tuna juice
10. Antler fricassee
11. Whale sperm fondue
12. Liver pancakes with cockle syrup
13. Baked donkey
14. Smoked salmon ice cream with beef-infused whipped topping
15. Consomme of jellied cat blood
16. Hot lettuce with saliva dressing
17. Phung Du Lo (Vietnamese jellyfish noodles in landmine battery acid broth)
18. Dog tartare
19. Peanut butter and oyster sandwich (big dish in Oxford, MS)
20. Beer-battered toejam
21. Chicken foot cupcakes
22. Fresh oatmeal vegan dog topped with butterscotch
23. Paula Deen’s legendary Crisco soup
24. Buffalo rinds
25. Poop tacos
26. Ant milkshake
27. Sashimi of Bea Arthur’s corpse
28. Anchovy pie with Weetabix crust
29. Cassoulet of aged beaver skins with mung beans
30. Snake paste on five-grain toast
31. Vulture egg quiche with Velveeta and fresh apple cores
32. Farm-raised pig nipples stewed in ammonia
33. Crab-stuffed horse meatus
34. Candied fish ribs with Vegemite glaze
35. Cheese and owl dung lasagna with nutmeg-and-earwax béchamel sauce
36. Toe-malaya
37. Niman Ranch organic grilled calf bowels
38. Human tripe enchiladas with horse cheese
39. White chocolate-covered bat wing
40. Whipped flounder
41. Herring and molasses casserole
42. Guy Fieri’s trademark Dorito-crusted caramel popcorn egg rolls with beef grease shooters
43. Deviled monkey head
44. Fingernail waffles
45. Chopped bullfrog and papaya salad
46. “Cocked Roger” (British dessert)
47. Dried field mouse with drizzle of sardine oil
48. Moose mousse
49. Mustard bubble gum
50. Beets

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