Finding the Right Drunk for You: The KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag

11.18.10 7 years ago 64 Comments

Lots of relationship stuff this week — not much in the way of the ol’ in-out in-out, I’m afraid. But before we get to that, I — like every other two-bit fantasy prognosticator on the Internet — would like to pause briefly and express wonder at the Monday Nightsplosion from Michael Vick.

Specifically, I wanted to take a look at what an all-Eagles fantasy lineup would have gotten you this week:

QB: Michael Vick. 333 yards passing, 4 TDs, 80 yards rushing, 2 TDs.
RB: LeSean McCoy. 43 yards rushing, 5 catches for 51 yards, 1 TD.
RB: Jerome Harrison. 109 yards rushing, 1 TD, 1 catch for 15 yards.
WR: DeSean Jackson. 2 catches, 98 yards, 1 TD.
WR Jeremy Maclin. 4 catches, 79 yards, 1 TD.
TE: Brent Celek. 2 catches, 8 yards.
W/R: Jason Avant: 5 catches, 76 yards, 1 TD.
K: David Akers. 8 XPs, 1 FG (48 yards).
D: EAGLES. 2 sacks, 3 INTs, 1 TD.

With the exception of Celek, that’s terrific output from every position. I’d crap my pants if my fantasy team gave me a touchdown from every position except tight end.

Anyway, enough of that. Let’s talk about sex, baby.

Fantasy football–I am at 8-2 in my 12 team league and tied for first overall.

Well la dee dah.

I’ve clinched a spot in the playoffs and am looking to improve a fairly crappy RB corps consisting of Fred Jackson (BUF), Jason Snelling (ATL), Pierre Thomas (NO) and Cadillac Williams (TB)–quite the murderer’s row. I am, however, well-off at WR–DeSean Jackson (PHI), Mike Wallace (PIT), Mike Sims-Walker (JAC), Mike Williams (SEA) and Austin Collie (IND). One of my friends has some good RB depth–Ahmad Bradshaw (NYG), Michael Turner (ATL), LaDanian Tomlinson (NYJ) and Felix Jones (DAL) but needs a receiver. He will more than likely be making the playoffs as well. I touched base with him to see if he’d be interested in making a trade, and he suggested he’d like either DeSean or Wallace and for me to name my price to get the ball rolling. Our league is 2 RB/2 WR/1 Flex. Am I crazy in thinking he’d trade Michael Turner or Ahmad Bradshaw for one of those two guys? If I am not crazy, is that a good trade for me? If I am crazy, what do you think he would be more willing to accept, either for those two guys or one of my lesser receivers?

Well, why don’t you ask him, Manuela? What is he, the pretty girl at the prom?

Sex–I’m 28 years old and have been married for a little over 3 years. I’m an attorney and have been for a little over two years and, like a lot of attorneys I know, hate the shit out of my job. I’m literally depressed I hate it so much. The problem is, I’ve been letting the terrible feelings I have about my job bleed over into my home life. I’m nuts about my wife, but I’m not as interested in sex as I once was. The decline in my libido runs almost step for step with when I started practicing law. My question to you–a guy who as a Marine has probably had to deal with worse than billable hours, a bitch boss, and being surrounded by douchelord attorneys all day–is how can I keep my work life and my love life completely compartmentalized?
-Unhappy JD

Everyone who’s worth talking to has had a shitty job at some point in their lives, so most people can empathize with the soul-sucking depression that comes from an occupation that you find unfulfilling.

I’ve certainly had similar periods of discontent in my life, and I lessened my frustration by doing three things:

  1. Start looking for other work. This could be anything from sharpening your resume and looking at other law firms to starting over in a completely new field. But you need to put some energy every day into the simple idea that you will not be there forever.
  2. Physical activity! You’re stressed out, and the single most effective way to relieve that is to exercise your muscles. Scientists have proven that exercise gives you, like, endorphins and shit. (Improved blood flow will also make you more ready for sex.)
  3. Creative outlet. I’ve never enjoyed writing more than when it provided me relief from jobs that discouraged humor and creativity. Maybe you’re not a writer or a painter or a poet — God, I hope you’re not a poet — but applying your energy to creating something other than legal briefs reminds your brain that thinking doesn’t have to suck.

MOST IMPORTANT in all this is clear communication to your wife that you are aware that your job has negatively impacted your relationship with her, and that you’re eager to take steps to bolster your happiness and make your marriage stronger.


Dear KSK,
1. Do I trust Ryan Fitzpatrick as a FF starter?

I’d give him a situational green light. The Bills will forever and always be behind, so you can count on them to throw. Don’t expect him to replicate the gaudy numbers he put up against the Ravens a few weeks back, but he’s definitely worth starting against shakier pass defenses.

2. I’m dating a wonderful woman who just told me that years ago, she was raped. I want to act appropriately and support her in any/every way possible … and have no idea how to respond besides quiet nods and attempts to listen. I would be lying, unfortunately, if I said it weren’t playing with my mind a bit, particularly in regard to intimacy. We’ve previously enjoyed all sorts of sex – crazy, hot, sometimes vanilla, sometimes decidedly not – but now I feel guilty unless I’m completely gentle about everything, in and out of bed. In short, she was tremendously brave to have opened up to me – not to mention to have survived and thrived following what she endured – and I’m confused as to how I should act, as well as desperate not to let her down. Should I be treating her with kid gloves in all things, both in and out of the bedroom? Help.
-Not Even Kinda Rapey

You’re asking the wrong person. Different women experience different traumatic experiences in different ways, so I’d have to be a bigger asshole than I am to suggest what she needs in bed. But I’ll say this: she has moved on from her rape to a place where she can enjoy sex with you. If she — the rape victim — can let it go and enjoy sex, then you sure as shit should be able to.

Still, your sympathy and consideration are commendable, and it may be wise to talk to her about the rough sex you had in the past, and how rough is too rough. After all, everyone likes a good safe word. OMAHA! OMAHA!


Dear Caveman,
Sex – Situation: I’m just turning 28, girlfriend will be 30 in March. Dating for about 10 months. She is great, kind, sweet, in the gym 3 times a week, sexy as all get out, great in bed, supportive, cooks, cleans, all that good stuff. She isn’t pushing for it right now (probably wouldn’t happen for another year at least), but we are considering moving in together in a few months and I wouldn’t want to do that unless I was sure she was the one.

1. I’ve never been in a relationship that lasted more than 4 months, normally it is because the girl broke it off.
2. I lost my job a month ago, so we would be moving into her parent’s house for the time being.

She only has one parent?

/apostrophe usage snob

While I’m not a big fan of her mother, it is a split-level home where she has the entire upstairs to her house with a separate entrance, kitchen, etc. This is not a permanent solution, but she has 18 months to reaching her pension as a teacher and it wouldn’t make much sense to move away from her school district.
3. Since I lost my job, I might have to move out of the area for grad school (MBA) or a new job, she would come with me after she qualifies for her pension.
4. I’m afraid of making the wrong choice. Marriage seems so permanent to me, and I don’t want to fuck it up.

1. Is there room for any doubt when it comes to marriage? Can you be 99.2% sure or does it have to be 100%?

You’re thinking about it the wrong way. It’s not an issue of percentage, it’s a 1 or a 0. “Do I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman?” Yes or no.

There will always be little niggling thoughts about other women, or details about your girl you wish you could change (“A gag reflex? Really? The things I put up with!”), but when the big decision comes, it’s a simple yes or no. Think about it: if you ask her to marry you, you expect a definitive answer, not a “Thank you for this lovely ring! It goes nicely with my 93% inclination to procreate with you.”

2. Are we moving in together too soon or for the wrong reasons?

It depends on whether you’re moving in with her just because you lost your job.

I think we would be moving in together regardless of the job situation.

Oh. Well in that case, no.

3. Is the age difference an issue?

It shouldn’t be. But since you’re asking me, it sounds like that might be the 0.8% of you that isn’t sure about marrying her. Perhaps you’ll just have to find a different girl who is great, kind, sweet, in the gym 3 times a week, sexy as all get out, great in bed, supportive, cooks, cleans… and four years younger. Let me know how that goes.

Football – not fantasy related, but something that annoys the beejezus out of me. Why isn’t it a false start everytime the Colt’s offensive lineman move when Peyton starts his audible dance?

Colts’ offensive linemen. Plural possessive plus a plural.

A false start is “movement by an offensive player (other than the center) after he has taken a set position.” The linemen are set in their stance, then move around when the audibles come in. Am I missing something? Watch the next time a Colts game is on and see how often the lineman move after setting. It seems to me this is simulating the snap of the ball and if I was a DE, I think I would jump over the line just to make the ref’s make a call.

Thanks Caveman,

Just refs, not ref’s. Never use an apostrophe to make a noun plural.

Anyway, I haven’t noticed that about the Colts — I’m too busy nit-picking grammar — but Occam’s Razor suggests that you’re probably wrong. I mean, what’s more likely: that every NFL official is overlooking dozens of Colts penalties every week, or that one fan doesn’t have a perfect grasp of the rules? I’m sure some rulebook-wielding commenter can set us straight on this issue.


Poony Party People,
Fantasy: Brady v Indy, E. Manning @ Philadelphia, 4 pt TDs, -3 INTs, 1pt/25yds, .1/completion. Brady seems like the better choice, amirite?

With the way the Giants offense has been playing, I’d actually go with Eli, but the Colts defense has been giving up more fantasy points to quarterbacks than the Eagles D. They’re both excellent choices.

Sex: I’m having some problems with the endgame in sex. When fucking my girlfriend, it either takes forever with a condom or just a few minutes without one. Forever can be alright, but we don’t always have time for hours of humping. And on the other end of the spectrum, sometimes I just wanna blow my load and pass out, but that’s not always going to fly and definitely isn’t what either one of us are looking for on a consistent basis. Do you (or the commenters) have any suggestions for a condom or anything else that might help hurry me up to a happy medium between too fast and too slow? Typically I use standard Trojan or Her Pleasure condoms as those are free in abundance around campus, but I’m willing to buy some if it comes down to it.
–old texas rust-shoe

So start with a condom on and take it off when you want to come. Please tell me that I didn’t need to explain that to you.

(Necessary caveat: you should only be having condom-less sex if your girlfriend is on the pill and you’re in a trusting monogamous relationship. And since you asked, I prefer Trojan’s Ultra Thin condoms. Get the lubricated kind.)


O Wise One,
Fantasy: I’m currently 4-6 and in last place, yet due to the parity in our 12 team league, I am only 1 game away from the fourth and final playoff spot and I have the fourth highest point total, so I should be able to win tie-breakers.

RB has been my weak spot due to bad drafting and injuries (LeGarrette Blount is my #1 and Mike Tolbert is my #2, I picked up Kevin Smith for last week’s SD bye) and I’ve tried at various times to trade Breesus + a WR for Jamaal Charles, Cop Speed, or AP with no takers. Since there are no more bye weeks and no one wants to trade, should I bother trying to pick up waiver wire potentials like Clinton Portis or just stick with the two RB’s I have and put in a WR as my flex every week?

With those running backs, you need to LIVE on the waiver wire. With injuries, there’s always someone like Mike Goodson or Javarrius James getting lifted from the practice squad and dropped into a starting spot. You should be looking for guys like that every week to give you more options at the flex.

Sexy Time: I broke up with my fiancée seven months ago and just recently found out she is newly married, so my love life is shit. I am following your teachings and I have focused in the last couple of months on me. I am branching out in different directions (started studying astronomy) and I have resumed working out. Inspired by your fund-raising effort, I have thoroughly informed myself on Cross Fit and have checked out a couple of my local gyms. My first question is this: Do you do most of your workouts at the gym or at home?

I do all of them at the gym.

The great part of Cross Fit is that you can do the work anywhere if you have proper equipment, which for the most part, I do. What I don’t have, I have either bought or have built myself.

“What I don’t have, I actually have.”

I’m a pretty competitive person, so I want to be in reasonable shape before I step into the gym because I don’t want to make an ass out of myself. Yes, I know part of Cross Fit is to provide a positive environment where people help each other reach their goals, but for me it’s more a personal pride thing.

My plan is to do most of the work at home until I get up to a decent level of fitness (I can currently do about 15 pullups at a time and 100 pushups with two breaks) and then when I feel I am ready, go to the gym to really push myself. What’s your advice on that?

The last thing I want this column to become is a place where we talk about the details of exercise, because for this is a blog of the people and for the people. And the people are fat.

But as a CrossFitter — and not a very good one, mind you — I’ll say that you’re already in better shape than you need to be to join your local box. And you should do it soon, since part of what you get at the gym is coaching on technique, which will help you get stronger and prevent injury.


Dear Prognosticator of Prognosticators,
Fantasy: Which waiver wire defense do you like this week? San Diego against Denver or Dallas against Detroit?

Ugh, neither. Denver and Detroit both have a habit of scoring a lot, but I suppose Dallas might fare somewhat better in the realm of fantasy points.

Frankly, I think the best defenses that might be on the waiver wire this week are Kansas City (@Ari), Miami (vs. Chi), and New Orleans (vs. Sea). If own the Ravens D (they’re at Carolina), you can probably pencil in a fantasy win this week.

Sex: More relationship actually. My girlfriend and I live separately in New York City and are planning on moving in together in a few months. We have been together for two years and both want to try living together for a bit before taking the next step. Her parents currently pay her rent in a studio and I pay my rent in a one bedroom with a buddy of mine. Once we move in together she will be paying her half herself and thinks we should move into her studio together rather than a one bedroom. For her it is more about saving money for our future than not being able to afford it. I’m trying to find a one bedroom in the same price range to be accommodating as that would clearly be the easiest solution, but it is possible I do not find something that works.

There are two separate issues here the way I see it. First, I am trying to be realistic about the space issue. She has friends come in from out of town and that will get annoying if we are in a studio and also like all couples we sometimes argue and I feel it would be helpful to have separate space. Second, is the money issue. I too think it is important to save and have suggested that we cook instead of go out to dinner so much, spend less while out drinking, cooking and bringing in lunches as better ways to save money. What are your thoughts on the living situation?

I’d like to know what planet you’re from where you could possibly entertain the notion of living in a single room with your girlfriend. Get a one-bedroom. If you need to save more money to do so, stop eating. The constant hunger and slow death will still be more pleasurable than sharing a studio apartment.


Lords of the labial,
Football first – I need two WR’s and a flex from this group this week going up against the top team in our league (Yahoo, PPR):

Calvin Johnson @ Dallas
Marques Colston vs. Seattle
Mike Wallace vs. Oakland
Larry Fitzgerald @ KC

I had been starting Johnson, Colston, and Fitz each week (barring byes) but in the three games I’ve started Wallace he’s been solid to very good. Is it time to sit Fitz or Colston or do I stick with the studs?

Johnson and Colston are the sure things this week. I would lean toward Wallace, but I’d wait to see how the injury situation plays out. Nnamdi Asomugha has an ankle injury, and Hines Ward has a concussion. If Ward starts and Nnamdi sits, Wallace looks to have a big day. But if Ward sits and Nnamdi starts, then Wallace isn’t going to be open very often.

Now sex – my girlfriend of two years is very bisexual, which I’ve known since the beginning. She has a best friend in another state that she visits occasionally and they usually drink a lot of wine and get all naked together, again with my knowledge and I’m completely okay with that since she’s always been very open with me. A few months ago, her friend comes to visit us and, well, we all end up drunk and naked. It was amazing, there were no hurt feelings or jealousy, and we’ve left the door open to do it again next time friend comes to town.

I appreciate that succinct description. Classy of you not to brag about it.

So now, my girlfriend is strongly suggesting that turnabout is fair play. I’ve got a good friend that she has been pretty flirtatious with and she keeps suggesting we get a bottle of wine and invite him over “to watch movies or something”. There was no quid pro quo implied in the first threesome so my question is, what is my obligation here? I’m not homophobic by any means but not sure how I’d react to watching another dude all over the gf – especially someone I see pretty often. If we do make the beast with three backs and two penises (penii?) am I better off inviting the friend to join us or one of those CraigsList hookups?
[Insert clever closing comment here],
Mike in Portland, 6’1″, 205

Three things:

  1. This is not a personals ad. I don’t care about your dimensions.
  2. Insert your own clever comment, buster.
  3. The emotional balance of a relationship and a threesome can be tough to navigate, but at no point in ANY relationship should you feel compelled to share your bed with anyone other than your girlfriend, even if she IS awesomely bisexual. Double standard or no, don’t invite a guy over to fuck your girlfriend unless it’s part of a sexual experience that YOU want to have.


Oh Caveman, my Caveman,
Zee footballs first; Green-Ellis or Shonn Greene in my flex position? Greene is breaking my heart less as the season goes on, but he is still killing me.

Green-Ellis is getting the bulk of the workload, while Greene is still sharing with LaDainian. I’d start BJGE this week.

Now for sex. I am a lady, and have been having sex with one of my best friends for about a year. We generally have sex once or twice a week and it is fantastic. It is sometimes very intimate love making, and sometimes rough and ridiculous- bruises for days, safe word, can’t walk right the next day sort of thing. We both drink a lot, and some nights partake in a little blow. There had been times in the past when he partied a little too hearty, and couldn’t get it up…but they were few and far between. In the past six weeks, he hasn’t been able to get hard once; all due to overindulgence. I want to go to bone-town (should bone-town be hyphenated?), but he seems very content kissing and cuddling for hours, and will then take care of me in a less satisfying way, once I realize he’s going to stay soft. I’ve been frank about my frustration, and he says he wish he could get hard but it’s not going to happen. He also said he would rather party than have sex. I know men are not complicated puzzles, but the juxtaposition of our extreme intimacy and previously great sex coupled with his apathy towards it now is difficult for me to understand. Any insight?

Why hello there, Stereotypical Woman with Terrible Mismanaged Relationship Expectations! I didn’t see you come in!

Let’s recap: you’ve been giving no-strings-attached sex for a year to a drunk who also uses cocaine, and you’re disappointed in said fuck buddy’s preference for mind-altering substances over sex. Oh, what a shocking development! “This person who’s not in a monogamous relationship with me used to share totally intimate moments when we were both shitfaced, wah wah wah.”

You’re right: men are NOT complicated puzzles. If you never ask for any emotional commitment while doling out NSA sex, you will never get an emotional commitment, and sex with you won’t be a priority.

Also: I prefer “Bonetown.”


Dear KSK,
Fantasy: I have a pretty good team, but I also have a recurring dilemma at my third wide receiver position. Who do you think is the best player/matchup for this week: Steve Breaston (@KC), Nate Burleson (@Dal), Malcolm Floyd (vsDen), James Jones (@Minn), or Brian Hartline (vsChi)?

I’m actually starting Burleson and Floyd in one of my leagues, and those two are the guys I like best on your list. Floyd probably has the highest ceiling in that group, but I never feel good about a player’s first game back from injury (see: Collie, Austin), so Burleson might be the safer pick. He’s done well recently, and Dallas is giving up the 4th-most fantasy points to wide receivers in the league.

Sex: A girl I have known for a very long time has just recently broken up with her boyfriend of eight years. I am recently single myself, but from a much shorter relationship. I have known and been attracted to this girl since childhood, we run basically in the same circle of friends, and over the years I have established a pretty good rapport. The ex-boyfriend should be a non-issue, and out of the picture and the city shortly.

Having never really been privy to a girl’s previous dating situation prior to approaching her, how long is the necessary waiting period? Also, how many “rebound” guys does she need to run through before she settles down? Should I just look to be one of these rebound guys, physically fulfilling a long fantasy, or should I play it a little more sophisticated and try to end up with the ultimate prize at the end? I am fully aware that eight years is a long time, and she will need some time to get over him. However, this girl is very attractive, and I need to start positioning myself quickly and appropriately.

Whoa, easy there, stud. This woman isn’t the spread at a Thanksgiving buffet, so stop worrying about your positioning and the presence of other people. “That son of a bitch got the last of the stuffing!”

Don’t hesitate to ask her out, and if she says yes, then treat her just like any other girl you might be interested in: don’t go too fast, don’t go too slow, and certainly don’t worry about whether you’re a rebound or if she sees relationship potential in you. Lots of people get out of long relationships and bounce right into another one; play it cool and confident, and maybe she’ll be one of ’em.

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