FJM Style: Football Eckstein

12.09.10 7 years ago 49 Comments

It’s not Peter King, but there is another SI writer who I felt was deserving of the FJM treatment. Continue after the jump for highlights, but be sure to go to the source for the full bounty.

Pats’ Danny Woodhead is just like us, and that’s why we root for him

Insert “James J. Jeffries” in place of “Pats’ Danny Woodhead” and it’s like 1910 all over again.

This is an everyman.

Just in case the headline was a bit too obtuse.

If you happened to run across Danny Woodhead somewhere out in the real world, where, at 5-foot-8, he actually stands only one inch shorter than the average 25-year-old American male, you wouldn’t give him a second glance.

Here’s a sampling of other NFL players who are shorter than the average American: Bob Sanders, Maurice Jones-Drew, Darren Sproles, Stefan Logan, Brandon Banks, LaRod Stephens-Howling, Garrette Wolf, Antoine Winfield, Michael Adams, and Brandon James.

Especially if he were wearing the ensemble he’s wearing in the Patriots’ locker room after one recent practice: a floppy blue sweatshirt, a red Patriots skull cap pulled low over his head, a sprig of a chin-beard that looks like a caterpillar in need of a trim, and a wary, heavy-lidded expression that says, Hey, I’m a Division II nobody from a railroad town in Nebraska. Let’s keep it that way. Talking isn’t what I do. Please— go talk to Brady.

That’s one hell of an expression. It can even add emphasis to the word “please.”

It’s only on a football field where Danny Woodhead weekly stands out as the most unlikely of highlighters etched against a panorama of enlarged NFL humanoids.

When did the NFL start allowing the use of humanoids? Somebody needs to get Terrell Owens on the Voight-Kampff machine ASAP.

Where he regularly ducks beneath the swat of defensive linemen, a foot taller and 100 pounds heavier, to churn out a few more yards.

So…he’s a running back?

Where, as he did on Monday night on his 50-yard shovel-pass, backbreaking scamper against the Jets, you just know New York’s defenders were thinking, “This troll couldn’t possibly move this fast.”

That must be what they were thinking. After all, it’s not as if he practiced against those same guys throughout training camp. Did you see Hard Knocks? It was really good.

a few minutes after skittering for a 36-yard touchdown, he made the tackle on the ensuing kickoff, playing special teams, flattening Brandon James the way a bowling ball on amphetamines might flatten a chipmunk on Quaaludes.

/deep breath


First let me just say that it’s appropriate to label Woodhead as the bowling ball in this batshit insane metaphor, seeing as how he is one inch taller and 20 pounds heavier than James. Secondly, nobody has taken a Quaalude since the 80’s.

Woodhead does it all consistently enough, with at least one spectacular head-shaking play per game, to have just been awarded a contract through 2012 that (with incentives that no one now doubts he’ll meet) is worth more than $3 million — which isn’t small change for a small guy who, three months ago, with a pink slip from the Jets in hand, was driving back home with his wife to Nebraska in his ’08 Tahoe.

A Tahoe? Then who was that short asshole in front of me at the DMV? I TOLD HIM I LOVED HIM!

Surrounded by media in this plush locker room (not just a locker room, but the Patriots’ locker room, where the first thing rookies are shown on an indoctrination tour is the Patriot emblem, the way a rookie Egyptian pharaoh might be shown King Tut’s mummy) Woodhead’s face is intentionally impassive, as if to deflect any and all attention.

This is where I remind everyone that King Tut was not a particularly noteworthy pharaoh in the historical sense, although he was revered for standing a mere 5’7″. Also I’m pretty sure King Tut’s mummy was not on public display. Otherwise Howard Carter was a world class bullshitter.

There’s much more fun to be had here, but I think I’ve quoted liberally enough. Check out the full article on Does Woodhead think stardom will change him? Read on to find out!

To be fair to the writer, his new book is supposed to be quite good.

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