FJM Style: The Saddest Super Bowl Column Ever

01.29.14 4 years ago 123 Comments


I can’t speak for everyone in New York, but the Super Bowl hasn’t really affected me.  I commute from Williamsburg to Herald Square and it seems like we’re absorbing the event without much of an impact.  

However, a financial writer decided to stick his nose in and complain about this being the saddest Super Bowl ever.  The article was so inaccurate that we had no choice but to FJM the shit out of it.

This Sunday, Super Bowl XLVIII (48) will be played in an open-air stadium, built atop a New Jersey swamp, in 2 degree weather, while pretending it’s actually taking place in New York.

Distance from Met Life Stadium to Midtown New York: 8 miles

Distance from Sun Life Stadium to Downtown Miami: 15 miles

Funny, I don’t remember people complaining that the five Miami Super Bowls since Sun Life Stadium was built weren’t actually played in Miami.

I don’t know what confederacy of dunces within the NFL thought this was a good idea. It might be the worst idea. It’s shaping up to be the saddest Super Bowl ever.

Nah, the saddest Super Bowl ever was attended by these guys:


For starters, it’s certainly going to be the coldest. Weather guys are talking about 2 to 7 degrees. Ticket prices are dropping by thousands of dollars. People are trying to get rid of their seats rather than sit through the pain of a sub-arctic February night outdoors. Not to mention the shlep. If it snows that day, the highways and byways between NY and NJ will become so impassable you’ll need to leave your family permanently and start a new one somewhere around Teaneck Township off of the I-80.

Actual forecast for East Rutherford, NJ:

Screen shot 2014-01-29 at 4.11.21 PM

I’m not going to pretend that 28 degrees at night will be pleasant, but it’s definitely not 5 to 7 degrees as you lie suggest.  You can get through this by wearing layers.  Your mother taught you everything you need to know about surviving 28 degree weather.  Oh, traffic to Met Life Stadium always sucks, and that’s when Chris Christie doesn’t feel like shutting down three lanes of traffic to get an erection.

As far as the pre-game festivities, if there were ever a city that couldn’t give a f*** about something the rest of the country is excited about, it’s New York City. Specifically Manhattan. When the Super Bowl hits other cities, like Miami or New Orleans, all the stops are pulled out and the week-long party literally takes over the town. The locals get into the spirit, businesses play it up and people from around the country (along with their tourism dollars) are welcomed warmly.

Why is that a good thing?  Putting an event in a city where it can be easily absorbed without disrupting local life seems pretty ideal.  One minute you’re complaining about traffic jams, the next you wish that the Super Bowl made my commute worse.

The two main focal points for the pre-game “party” are located at Times Square and Herald Square. There are two places in Manhattan that no native New Yorker will ever set foot in, for any reason, ever: Times Square and Herald Square.

I’m from Connecticut, not New York, but my office is two blocks from Herald Square so I pass by it pretty much every day.  Anyway, this gets back to my last point: who cares?  New York has readily available areas that are already overrun by tourists, so we’re going to stick them there.  You’d rather a bunch of Seahawks fans made it harder for you to get a table at Carbone?

Did I mention that it’s wet, dirty and cold? Like walking through a giant filth-flavored Slurpee puddle? The Chili Peppers at halftime will never have been quite this chilly. Bruno Mars will be frozen into a walking, talking Frappuccino.

Neat, a skin color joke!  Anyway, I doubt this is any wetter, dirtier or colder than the Detroit or Indianapolis Super Bowls.  Well, Indianapolis is probably cleaner but who cares it’s Indianapolis.

 New York is not really a party town, midtown especially.

What the fuck are you talking about?  Our bars are open until 4 a.m.  Actresses, models and other famous, cocaine-addicted people fly here to drink and dance.  I once met Coolio in a bar in Midtown at 1 a.m. on a Wednesday.  You know where and when else I met Coolio in a bar?  NOWHERE.  I’ve traveled plenty and the only city in America that parties more than New York is New Orleans.

You can’t eat lunch for less than twelve dollars and dinner in this city is thirty bucks and up.

I had a sandwich for lunch that cost 7 bucks.

The nightclubs are forbiddingly haughty toward out-of-towners and completely unwelcoming. The bars are fine but totally inauthentic if they’re within the Super Bowl Boulevard vicinity. You can can get drunk at Bubba Gump’s Shrimp Company or whatever, but you’re not exactly getting the flavor of the New York.

I mean, the nightclubs are just as haughty to New Yorkers.  Meanwhile, it is possible to go from the area around Super Bowl Boulevard to areas with better bars.  There are the subways, taxis, Uber, you could even walk.  IT’S BEEN DONE BEFORE, PEOPLE HAVE LEFT TIMES SQUARE.

Did I mention, the game is not even taking place in New York City. Hell, it’s not even taking place in New York State. They’re playing in New Jersey. Which is its own world. Why the staging isn’t taking place there instead of Manhattan I don’t know. Oh yes I do know: No one gets excited to come to a Hoboken or Newark Super Bowl.

Again, you’re getting hung up on an arbitrary political boundary.  Wow, the Dutch decided 350 years ago that different sides of the Hudson would be governed by different colonial charters.  THAT MAKES THIS WHOLE SPECTACLE INAUTHENTIC.  SHUT IT DOWN, YOU FRAUDS.

Lastly, there is next to no affinity for the two competing teams here, neither is located near us geographically and not many of our citizens have been transplanted from the Pacific Northwest or the Colorado Rockies. It’s just not that big of a thing, there’s very little connection. Talk to someone on the streets of Harlem or the West Village or Murray Hill about Seattle, the only association they’ll be able to form will be like “Oh, is that where Starbucks is from?” or “Isn’t that where Frasier Crane killed Kurt Cobain or something?” As far as the Denver Broncos, well, they have the “Awesome Manning” while we simply content ourselves with having the “Pretty Damn Good Manning.” So if anything, there’s more bitterness and envy than there is camaraderie.

How does that make this the saddest Super Bowl ever?  Last year the Ravens and Niners played in the Superdome despite Baltimore and San Francisco having little in common with Louisiana or the Saints.

Also, how dumb do you think people are?  Most New Yorkers would know where Seattle is, they even had a Real World.   If anything, this paragraph shows how disconnected from society the writer is by thinking people don’t know such a basic fact.

The bottom line, I love my city and we’re good at a lot of things – but hosting the Super Bowl in the dead of winter just isn’t one of them. Hopefully this is the last and only attempt the NFL makes at a New York Super Bowl ever again.

Unless we get a dome.

How the hell would adding a dome fix any of the so-called problems that you pointed out?  The only thing that’d affect is the gameday experience for the .1% of people who live in the area who’ll actually attend the game.

I’m sure that you’re a fine financial writer, Josh, but stay out of sports.  We already have an asshole financial writer ruining sports journalism and we don’t need another Darren Rovell.

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