Tinder can be a cruel and unforgiving aspect to today’s dating landscape, as recently learned by one gentleman trying to approach a 22-year-old woman named Noelle. Noelle’s Tinder profile revealed that she was actually nineteen and that she “[does] things sometimes that involve other things.” Vague; so the hero in our story got right down to it:
A tempting offer, for sure. But who in their right mind has time for a seven page essay on their own penis? Not this guy. So going by the eloquent handle “ball-in-ass,” he took to Reddit to solicit help. And help he got! Another Redditor with the weirdly since-deleted handle “withmygrasp” took him up on it, and composed the entire seven page essay on Google Docs.
Here’s just the opening paragraph. The reading material is a bit, uh, shall we say “dry,” but again, click here to read the entire thing.
When it comes to the existence of objects that have morphed and changed, in part due to their perception throughout the course of history, it does not take long before one begins to consider objects of exceedingly long, cylindrical, and rounded nature. The reader has but to consider the iconically Ionic columns of the Parthenon, the obelisks of ancient Egypt, or the steles of Persia before realizing the true extent to which such objects have been the focus of ancient, and present, attention.
So after all that effort, did it score him a date? Probably not, because it looks like “Noelle” was probably uninterested the entire time — most likely because he started off the conversation talking about his penis.
TL;DR — don’t start off the conversation talking about your penis, because it’s virtually impossible to bounce back from that no matter how many seven page essays you write.