God Explains Week 15 Of the NFL Season

12.16.08 9 years ago 22 Comments

Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 15 in the NFL happen as they did.

Hello my children. You know, the more that I think about it the more I like the idea of Festivus supplanting Christmas as the official holiday of the winter solstice. Sure, practitioners of this holiday don’t glorify me through song and prayer, but overall it has a lot more going for it than a tree and a fatass with some reindeer. While Frank Costanza’s holiday of choice isn’t steeped in history and tradition like Christmas, but it was the brainchild of a guy who spawned a Seinfeld writer. I’ll take that over some old Roman guys who decided to celebrate my son’s birth in the middle of fucking winter to appease the damn pagans.

That is why I am in favor of erecting Festivus kiosks in cities across America.

In the spirit of the holiday, I’m going to air a few of my grievances before we get to Sunday’s games.

1. Hey NFL, flexing the schedule is fucking bullshit and it’s doing more harm than good. What’s the matter, you couldn’t look into the future to see which matchups would be more compelling than others? Now I don’t expect you to have the kind of foresight that I enjoy, but it didn’t take Me to tell you that giving the Browns five nationally televised games was a colossally fucked up idea.

2. Hey Vinny Cerrato, stop making up fake stats for your joke of a fucking radio show in an attempt to make your personnel decisions look less retarded by comparison. And while we’re at it…Hey Larry Michael, quit being such a pathetic shill for Vinny. He can guarantee your employment, but I still control your everlasting soul.

3. Hey Pro Bowl, you are an affront to football as we know it. Hell, you’re an affront to Me. Go away and die in peace before I turn Hawaii into the world’s biggest magmakakke.

On to the explanations…

-While the Vikings of Minnesota were victorious I felt compelled to break the shoulder of defensive tackle Pat Williams. You see Drew was flying a bit too close to the sun after the judge put the kibosh on the NFL’s suspension plans, so I had to melt those wings a bit. I’m okay with the Vikings winning, I just want to see them struggle a bit. It’s like watching a kid masturbate for the first time, which is something I do quite often if you must know.

-The Jets of New York picked up an improbable win, but that was not a part of My divine plan. No, the NFL put the fix in on that one so it was out of my hands. What, you thought JP Losman was that terrible? Okay, he kind of is, but that’s beside the point.

-The Texans of Houston managed to upset the Titans of Tennessee because Unsilent Majority really needs to shut up about the latter’s record against the spread (UM: Duly noted).

Thanks, God!

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