God Responds To Adam Muema Leaving The Combine

02.24.14 4 years ago 33 Comments


A great many mortals have inquired about the remarks made by a young football player who left a football-related inspection of young male body parts and sprinting skills. To clarify, yes, I told Adam Muema, through a carefully coded numerical system we have developed in which I reveal things to him through the amount of change he receives when he makes purchases at CVS, that he will be selected by the Seattle Seahawks in the upcoming NFL Draft.

Specifically, Muema will be selected with the final pick in the sixth round. The 192nd selection overall of the 2014 NFL Draft. He may be cut in training camp. He may the roster, eventually become a starter and have a Hall of Fame career. He may die the day after being drafted. That much I will not say.

I understand that this admission will only raise more questions, specifically whether all events in history are and have been preordained by me, therefore rendering the concept of human free will as void. To those questions I can offer no comment.

It is possible that all events in the span of what you know of as “time” have always been planned to play out as they have, down to the tiniest detail. It’s also possible that after I created the universe, I allowed it to exist without interference until now, when I reached out for the first time ever to inform a borderline NFL prospect that he will in fact be drafted by an NFL team, so there’s no reason for him to submit himself to a burly 40-year-old man poking around his butthole with a tape measure for the purposes of scouting.

I’m afraid that would be more information than I’m willing to disclose at this time.

Anyway, I hope this information is useful to you, a drunk, passed out homeless man sleeping in the park.

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