Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY. REPUBLICANS KEEP TALKING ABOUT BENGHAZI WHILE DEMOCRATS SAY IT’S A FAD LIKE THE K-GUN OFFENSE. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, HAVE YOU PAID ATTENTION TO BENGHAZI?
Herm: IF ONLY FOX NEWS IS TALKING ABOUT IT THEN I DON’T CARE.
Jon: WELL WE GOT FORMER SECRETARY OF DEFENSE ROBERT GATES HERE TO EXPLAIN WHAT’S GOING ON TO US. ROBERT, HOW ARE YA DOIN’?
Robert: Good to be here.
Jon: YOU’RE A FORMER PRESIDENT OF TEXAS A&M. DO YOU THINK LUKE JOECKEL WILL BE A FRANCHISE LEFT TACKLE?
Robert: Umm, what?
Jon: HE’S A REAL GRUDEN GRINDER BUT YOU GOTTA WONDER IF HE HAS THE SPEED TO HANDLE THE TOP DEFENSIVE ENDS. HE DOESN’T STAND A CHANCE AGAINST JASON PIERRE-PAUL. JPP, I CALL HIM DARRELL ISSA BECAUSE HE’LL GO AFTER YOU FULL BORE EVEN IF HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT HE’S ATTACKING.
Herm: DARRELL ISSA NEEDS TO DEVELOP SOME COUNTER MOVES.
Robert: Right, Congressman Issa appears to only be motivated by scoring political points rather than an actual desire to uncover the truth. There are a lot of shady congressmen but he’s one of the worst.
Jon: THIS ISSA I CALL HIM NORV TURNER BECAUSE HE LOVES SCORING CHEAP POINTS. ALSO HE SHOULD BE IN JAIL FOR INSURANCE FRAUD.
Herm: WHAT DID NORV TURNER KNOW AND WHEN DID HE KNOW IT?
Robert: Issa’s personal failures are troubling but the real issue here is that he’s alleging the Obama administration failed to do something that is technically impossible. He uses the flight times of commercial aircraft to prove that a military mission would’ve been successful when the two aren’t comparable.
Jon: LIKE COMPARING A SINGLE WING TO THE ZONE READ. DARRELL ISSA IS OVER HIS HEAD, JUST LIKE NORV TURNER. HE NEEDS TO REALIZE THAT THERE ARE SMARTER COACHES TOILING UNDERNEATH HIM AND STEP ASIDE.
Herm: ELIJAH CUMMINGS SHOULD CHAIR THE HOUSE GOVERNMENT AFFAIRS COMMITTEE.
Jon: SO TELL US ABOUT THESE TALKING POINTS THAT WERE EDITED. PEOPLE COMPLAIN ABOUT EDITS AND I HEAR THEM. TRANSCRIPTS OF MY SHOW ARE BARELY EDITED AND PEOPLE LOVE THOSE.
Robert: Well there are a couple of points to make on those. The first is that someone at the State Department legitimately believed that this was a local terrorist cell and not affiliated al-Qaeda. And the second item is that, regardless of the edits, Susan Rice still would have said that the attacks were incited by the protests outside the Cairo embassy, which is what Republicans are criticizing that testimony for.
Jon: THESE REPUBLICANS, I CALL THEM THE CLEVELAND BROWNS. THEY’RE RUN BY CORRUPT BILLIONAIRES, THEY KEEP LOSING AND THERE’S NO WAY THAT MICHAEL LOMBARDI IS GOING TO TURN THAT TEAM AROUND.
Herm: MICHAEL LOMBARDI CANNOT REACH OUT TO MINORITIES.
Jon: SO ROBERT, HOW WOULD YOU FIX REPUBLICANS? FOCUS ON THE LINES OR DRAFT A FRANCHISE QUARTERBACK?
Robert: I’m afraid I’ve lost you.
Jon: THAT’S OK BECAUSE WE’RE OUT OF TIME ON GRUDEN TALK. PLAY US OFF, HERM EDWARDS 7.
Herm: I HOPE WE GOT SOME MARINES IN THE AUDIENCE BECAUSE WE’RE GOING TO THE SHORES OF TRIPOLI!