Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, HAVE YOU BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO THIS GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN?
Herm: I MISS FLYOVERS AT FOOTBALL GAMES.
Jon: I HEAR YA BUDDY, THOUGH AN F-18 RAPTOR STILL CAN’T BE THE THRILL OF RUNNING AN THE OFFSET-I 27 FLIP HAM STRETCH. ANYWAY, WE GOT FORMER SENATOR BYRON DORGAN HERE TO EXPLAIN THIS GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN. BYRON, HOW YA DOIN’?
Byron: I’m doing well, Jon.
Jon: LEMME TELL YA, THAT’S ONE HELL OF A COMBOVER, MUCH BETTER THAN DOM CAPERS.
Byron: Thanks, I think.
Jon: SO WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THIS SHUTDOWN? ARE BOTH SIDES TO BLAME, LIKE WITH THE GIANTS, AND THE PEOPLE NEED TO FIRE BOTH KEVIN GILBRIDE AND PERRY FEWELL?
Herm: REPUBLICANS NEED TO STOP THROWING SCREEN PASSES TO BRANDON JACOBS ON THIRD AND LONG.
Byron: No, this is entirely the Republicans’ fault. We’ve had divided government before, for most of the past half century, really. Usually the parties used the threat of a government shutdown as the impetus to reach a deal.
Jon: I HEAR YA. WHEN YOU GOT CHAMP BAILEY COVERING YOUR WIDE RECEIVER YOU KNOW THAT YOU GOTTA THROW TO THE OTHER SIDE.
Herm: TIP O’NEILL WOULD CHECK DOWN TO HIS RUNNING BACK.
Byron: But modern Republicans aren’t afraid of shutting down the government because they’re so hostile to it. All they care about is destroying President Obama personally so they have no incentive to cut a deal.
Jon: THESE REPUBLICANS, I CALL THEM BARRET ROBBINS BECAUSE THEY’RE GOING DOWN AND THEY’RE TAKING EVERYONE WITH THEM. BUT HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO PEOPLE SAYING THAT DEMOCRATS WON’T NEGOTIATE?
Herm: DEMOCRATS SHOULD USE THE FRANCHISE TAG ON THE REPUBLICANS.
Byron: Democrats have negotiated! The continuing resolution to keep government open keeps the cuts that Republicans forced on them. Republicans are now demanding Democrats implement other policies that voters rejected in 2012.
Jon: PUSHING FOR ALREADY REJECTED IDEAS, REPUBLICANS NEED TO STOP DRAFTING RUNNING BACKS IN THE FIRST ROUND.
Herm: THE TEA PARTY EMBRACES DAVID WILSON.
Byron: Meanwhile, Republicans haven’t given Democrats anything. They refuse to recognize the legitimacy of President Obama’s victory in 2012 so they think they’re in the right, even though any neutral observer recognizes that he’s the duly elected leader and the people gave him agency to implement his policies.
Jon: REMINDS ME OF WHEN THEY PUT LYNN SWANN IN THE HALL OF FAME. I DIDN’T AGREE WITH IT BUT WE’RE BOUND BY THE PROCESS.
Herm: LYNN SWANN STILL CAN’T RUN BLOCK. YES I KNOW HE’S 60.
Byron: Republicans need to recognize that the Affordable Care Act is the law of the land, and if it really is as bad as they say it will be they can dismantle it once they regain power by campaigning against it. It’s separate from the federal budget, wherein Democrats have already given Republicans what they want.
Jon: TOTALLY AGREE WITH YA, BYRON. YOU CAN’T BLAME THE OFFENSIVE LINE FOR YOUR OFFENSE’S PROBLEMS WHEN TRENT DILFER IS YOUR QUARTERBACK.
Herm: REPUBLICANS HAVE PLENTY OF TIME IN THE POCKET.
Byron: I’m lost.
Jon: THAT’S OK BECAUSE WE’RE OUT OF TIME HERE ON GRUDEN TALK. PLAY US OFF, BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS.
Herm: THESE GUYS GET ALONG WORSE THAN FLEETWOOD MAC SO I’M TELLING REPUBLICANS TO GO YOUR OWN WAY.