Happy Halloween from Your Friendly Neighborhood Sex & Fantasy Football Mailbag

10.27.11 6 years ago 49 Comments

I’m already anticipating a bit of backlash with this week’s mailbag, as it seems my engagement has spurred an increase in wedding/engagement-related questions. I’ll do my best to temper that stuff with emails about random drunk hookups and gay roommates (see below), but keep in mind that I can only answer the questions that get sent in.

Now that I’ve thrown that caveat out there, I did want to share this letter from reader Jay, who makes a good point about wedding planning.

Don’t defend your position on something for the wedding if it’s something that you’ve never cared about before in your life.

I got engaged in April and have been using this as my mantra while talking to my fiancee, her family, and my family about our wedding next September. For instance, my fiancee suggested something that I didn’t like for invitations. I was about to tell her that I didn’t like the idea and brace for a 15 minute debate, then I thought “wait a minute, I’ve never cared about invitations in my life” and agreed with her. The same goes for other shit I don’t care about, like having a “color scheme,” whether or not I should wear a tux, and like a million other things. To counterbalance that, I tried to take initiative with things that I do care about like the band and reception site so that my fiancee wouldn’t accuse me of not caring about the wedding. So far, this has worked out well.

An excellent point, Jay. All I REALLY care about is an open bar and a DJ who won’t play the Chicken Dance. I’ll concede on pretty much any other point. I’m willing to help design the invitations or chime in with my preferred color scheme, but I’m not going to have it out over fonts for our Save the Date.

Okay, enough of that. Let’s get to your questions.

Dear Pontif of Poon,
Fantasy: No fantasy question, this season is a lost cause. I’m in a 10-team 2-QB league (I’m aware this is a terrible idea, but the other guys in the league are into the idea, and I couldn’t convince them otherwise. Should have tried harder). As a result, I wound up wasting a 3rd rounder on Peyton Manning, slightly before it became clear what an awful idea that was. From there I’ve proceeded to lose: Jamaal Charles, Andre Johnson, and Tim Hightower. Last week I started the Jets D over KC. Never playing in a 2-QB league again. Lesson learned.

Hey, at least Andre Johnson should be back this week!

Sex: One of my housemates is gay. That’s not an issue at all – he’s a good friend of mine and I don’t care. What is an issue, however, are the men he brings home. Specifically, he has a thing for significantly older men. We’re seniors in college. The men he brings over are easily twice our age. If he were to introduce one of them as his dad, I wouldn’t blink. I’d like to say “To each his own” and ignore it, but I do find it slightly unsettling. As far as I can tell, he’s meeting these guys on Craigslist or similar, and while I trust that he’s generally a smart person, I have no idea to what extent he’s screened these men before letting them into our house. We live in college housing, and there isn’t that much in the way of security. I don’t want to be an ass about it, but I definitely don’t feel entirely comfortable with this arrangement. Is my concern unreasonable, and if not, how do I raise the issue with him without seeming like a jerk or a bigot?

Thanks, and congratulations to you and the future Mrs. Cave(wo)man.

You raise a fair point. If you were an apartment full of girls, and your slutty roommate was bringing home guys in their 40s, you’d be right to be creeped out. I think you’re well within your rights to say that while you don’t care WHO your roommate wants to sleep with, you don’t want guys your dad’s age hanging around your apartment. Your roommate can fuck strangers at THEIR place.


Dear sir,
Fantasy First: 10 team standard yahoo scoring, dynasty league, where we have the ability to sign guys to multiple year contracts based on what we paid at auction for them. I have Julio Jones locked up for 3 years and have been offered a trade straight up for Matt Stafford, who is also on contract for 3 years. So, what do you think? Would you rather have Stafford on your fantasy team for 3 years or Julio? I also have Freeman signed for 3 years already.

I love Stafford’s ceiling, but that dude gets injured ALL THE TIME. I wouldn’t want to be locked into a 3-year contract with him. At the same time, Jones is a rookie receiver who’s already missed time with an injury, so who the fuck knows? As it stands now, you get the better end of the deal, and God knows Freeman’s way the hell off his numbers from last year (six INT’s in all of 2010, four last Sunday). Depending on the needs of your team, it doesn’t seem like a bad trade.

Relationship blah blah: Got out of a long term relationship, now talking to a girl from home (6 hours away) who is cute, sexy, fun, yet 1/8 as smart as EX. Basically I like her enough to continue to talk to her frequently but it can never be anything more than at-home Christmas Break fun. How do I politely tell new girl that having a long distance relationship is not going to be possible?
Forever and always,
Joltin’ Joe Bauserman

Simple: you say, “I really like you, but I don’t want to be in a long-distance relationship.” If she makes overtures about moving close to you, then you clarify that you don’t want anything serious. FROM ANYONE. Flirt away, but don’t make any promises.


Potentates of Punani-
Fantasy first: Thanks primarily to Aaron Rodgers and the rejuvenation of “old” Steve Smith, I’m sitting at 5-2 with the most overall points scored in my league.

Can we talk about baby-punchin’ Steve Smith? In 2008, he caught 78 passes for over 1400 yards. 2009: 65 for 982. 2010: 46 for 554. In seven games this year, he has 39 catches for 818 yards, which is the most in the NFL (until Wes Welker plays another game, anyway). That’s unreal. Where did this come from? Why wasn’t there buzz about him and Cam Newton? I fucking hate fantasy football sometimes.

Since I grabbed Rodgers early and didn’t see any scenario where I’d be playing anybody else at QB except during his bye week, I chose not to draft a backup QB, so I’m sifting the waiver wire for a solid replacement this week against the only undefeated team in the league. It’s looking like my options will be Dalton (@Seattle), Colt McCoy (@San Fran), Alex Smith (Cleveland), Matt Cassel (SD), or Kevin Kolb (@Baltimore). I’m leaning a bit toward Dalton, but it seems like even his good performances have been about completion percentage and “game management”. Thoughts? Do I take a chance on Kolb and Fitzgerald against a spotty Baltimore pass defense?

Considering that Baltimore’s “spotty” pass defense is actually the best in the NFL through seven weeks, no, you probably shouldn’t take a chance on Kolb. Go with Dalton — Seattle has lost two starting cornerbacks for the season over the last couple weeks. (Yay.)

Sex: Nothing really to ask on that front – happily married for 4+ years and my wife just gave birth to our 2nd daughter 3 weeks ago, so I know I’m on a porn-only diet for the next few weeks. Sucks to be me, right? HOWEVER – since my older daughter (she’s 2 & 1/2) is the kind of kid where strangers routinely come up to me and my wife and tell us how pretty she is and make comments about how we should be “getting her into modeling”, I’m looking down the barrel of possibly having at least one very attractive teenage girl living in my house about 12 years from now. As a veteran (thank you, btw), any suggestions for a weapon I can keep around the house to intimidate any potential despoilers of my offspring without accidentally shooting one of my toes off? Full disclosure: I have no experience with guns unless hours of “Duck Hunt” on the NES counts.
“You ever seen an AK-47 before, Jimmy?”

“You can’t talk to teenagers, especially girls. They’re in a wilderness of hormones and bad ideas. All you can do is look at your watch and wait. And then around 16, they come out, and they either come out as people, or as whores.”

Those are the words of Nick DiPaolo on an episode of “Louie’s” second season, and while I think DiPaolo’s generally too close-minded and misogynistic to have any valuable insight into the world, there are whispers of truth there. What he conveniently leaves out is that if you make it a point to value your daughter’s intellect and talent over her beauty, she’s more likely to develop the self-worth to make better decisions as a teenager/young adult.

If you’re not entirely confident in your parenting skills and inept at firearms, I recommend keeping a folding knife clipped to your belt. (Most Marines prefer Gerbers.) Unobtrusive but efficient, and easy to whip out for common tasks like cutting open UPS packages and threatening teenage boys.


Dear Captain Caveman,
Football: Where has all the offense gone? The Seattle Seahawks a total of 137 yards, their second lowest.
The Tennessee Titans were restricted to 148 yards with their rival Houston. Indianapolis couldn’t stop the Saints racking up 557 yards with a blow out. and the same with the Texans blowing out the Titans getting 518 yards total.

So wait, is your problem the offenses sucking or the offenses being great? Because you’re throwing two different sets of numbers at me.

Even Kansas city is picking up on gaining some yards, but some of these teams that are not, are they just deciding not to bring their “A” game to the game? What is going some of these teams offense? Do they just give up come the second half?

I think it’s a case of some teams are total dogshit. The Seahawks suck to begin with, then their first-string quarterback and running back are both scratches for an away game. Not an ideal situation. The Colts: terrible in every way possible. It’s not rocket science: the crappy teams won’t gain a lot of yards, and the good teams with solid quarterbacks will.

Sex: My boyfriend and I, we’ve been together two and half years, have a great relationship. He has been the best guy I have ever dated. He turned me into the football fan, I turned him back into liking hockey. I moved in with him as well. I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I do the grocery shopping too. He even inspired me to go back to school. I’m even working two jobs right now, don’t worry he has a full time job. Come december we’re going on our first big trip to Disney World.

Lemme tell ya straight up: Epcot’s gay. Don’t bother.

The sex is great. nothing is wrong in the bed room. We have an open line of communication. He has accepted me for who I am, just like I accept him. He is my own personal nurse, helping me at night giving me my daily shots, which none of my exes ever did, so I am grateful for that.

I assume you’re talking about something more than a hot beef injection. That sounds pretty heavy.

My issue, to me it seems to me that every time I turn around, or sign on to Facebook or talk to a friend, they’re getting engaged, I heard from my boyfriend you’re recently engaged yourself so congratulations.

Thanks! Do you know any cheap but skilled photographers?

It seems like everyone is getting engaged, or getting married. its “in the water” every time i bring this up to him, we can discuss it but his “excuse” is that he wants a 6 month emergency fund before we get engaged. Fine and dandy, but i feel like its a cop out. Anything can come up and throw a curve ball. Something can go wrong. Thats how life is. I feel life is too short, I feel like him and I are already married, why not just get engaged and have fun with it now. But he feels differently he wants to have that huge 6 month emergency fund (mortgage, car payments, car insurance, electric etc) plus he’s going to college too to become an anesthesiologist nurse. Am i supposed to wait while he saves up this emergency fund? What exactly am i supposed to? Any advice?
-Not So Patient Saints Fan Girl

The single most important thing you can do is realize that all relationships are different. I got engaged after a year and half of dating my fiancee, and I felt like I could/should have done it way sooner. But two of my best friends in New York dated their now-wives for six years before getting engaged, and they both have relationships I expect and admire. That’s just what worked for them.

Listen, people are ALWAYS getting engaged/married/having kids. That’s the way of the world. People are also getting divorced and dying — that doesn’t mean you should take their cues. All I know about you is this: you and your boyfriend are both in college and both working full-time, and your finances are such that your first big trip is to Disney World. I’m not trying to be presumptuous, but that seems to suggest that you’re young and not exactly flush with cash.

And there’s nothing wrong with that: my parents were married at that stage (Dad 22, Mom 19), and they’re still going strong. But it’s also possible that your boyfriend wants to ensure that he can provide for you before he makes a life commitment to you. What YOU need to figure out is what’s best for the two of you — NOT what you feel like you should be doing because your friend Susie Rottencrotch got engaged last week.


Dearest Captain,
I know it’s a bit belated, but congrats on the engagement. Having gotten engaged about 6 months ago myself I can tell you, despite all the requisite minor stress that comes along with planning a wedding (I say minor because, let’s be honest, in the grand scheme of things there’s way worse shit that’s going to happen to us than disagreeing on which one of our parents’ co-workers is invited), I’m still just as excited to marry my fiancee as I was that day. So, good luck, and watch out for the cartel wars.

The cartel wars help keep prices down.

Anyway, fantasy football. I, like yourself, am a Jamaal Charles mourner. It’s been rough. I kinda went all in on Charles (auction draft) and was/am very thin behind him at RB. I just lost Hightower to an ACL, as well. Although, that one is somewhat of a relief actually, as Shannahan has been playing fantasy roulette all season. As of now, I have this shit sandwich of a threesome at RB: Jackie Battle, (lucky) Pierre Thomas, and Delone Carter.

Ooohh, Thomas is primed for a big week against St. Louis!

However, I’m stacked at WR, with Steve Smith, Nicks, Wallace, and AJ Green. Even as a bye week fill-in I had Plax go off for 3 TDs. Anyway, I’ve been trying to move a WR to get a better/top flight RB with no takers. However, I just got offered Santonio and Shonn Greene for Nicks. Whaddaya think? Is Greene FINALLY going to break out and make that job his own or will he continue to disappoint?

It depends on your lineup structure. If you’re in a typical 2-WR, 1-flex league, that trade makes sense because Smith and Wallace are both outplaying Nicks. So you’d be giving up your third-best WR in order to firm up your RB corps (even if Greene continues to suck, he’s an upgrade to what you’ve got), while Santonio Holmes is an acceptable bye week fill-in at WR.

However, if you’re in a 3-WR league with a flex, why not just keep playing your awesome WRs? Sometimes it’s worth taking a hit at one position if you’ve got particularly strong players at another.

Not much as far as sex questions. Mostly dealing with a lot of the wedding planning bullshit alluded to earlier, but nothing I can’t deal with. I guess I could use an outside opinion on one thing, though. I’m Irish (not from Ireland, but Irish on both sides of my family) and I was kicking around the idea of going with kilts for the groomsmen, her and my father, and me. Surprisingly, most of my groomsman and my dad and her dad, would be fine with it and a few actually liked the idea. Even the guys who have absolutely no Irish ancestry. Thoughts? Is that too over the top? We’re already having a bagpipe player lead us out of the church, so it’s not like it would be totally out of nowhere The only thing I worry about is that her mom’s side of the family (with whom she is very close) is not Irish and I guess I wouldn’t want them to feel left out or something like that. Not a big deal either way, I just was curious for an outside opinion.
2 Bad Wheels

Here’s the thing: it’s YOUR wedding. Not your grandparents’, not your fiancee’s mother’s, not Aunt Alice’s — yours. If you and your wife want the dudes in kilts, put the dudes in kilts. Just be prepared for the moment when your kids see the wedding photos and wonder why all the men are in skirts.

(Personal opinion: you’re American, wear pants.)


Dear Captain,
In an 8 team league with 10 starters, currently in second place. my starting lineup is Fitzpatrick, Chris Johnson, Best, Megatron, Welker, Steve Smith (CAR), and Fitzgerald, so obviously my problem is RB. The backups I have are Blount (injured) Pierre Thomas (second stringer),and the newly picked up DeMarco Murray (may be a one hit wonder.) Since I’m so stacked at WR, due to a PPR league, the leagues other active trader has offered to trade Matthews (SD) for one of my starters, particularly Fitzgerald. Normally I’d take the trade, as I have Garcon as well, but I would rather have another one of their RBs: Peterson, Fred Jackson, Bradshaw, Green-Ellis and Sproles. Basically, should I go ahead and make the trade, despite Matthews’s injury, or should I hold out and trade a higher WR for Peterson or Bradshaw?

Well, for starters, Pierre Thomas is a viable start this week, and I’d give Chris Johnson two more weeks before counting him out. Through the first 7 weeks of the season, Johnson has faced the tougher run defenses than any running back in the league. With him going up against Indianapolis and Carolina the next two weeks, that’s the best chance of seeing if he’s going to be worth a shit.

As for your trade options, if you’ve got a PPR league, run — DO NOT WALK — to the nearest opportunity to get Fred Jackson or Darren Sproles. Tiny Darren has saved my fantasy season in my .5 PPR league where I lost Jamaal Charles. Frankly, I’d rather have Sproles than Mathews, and considering that Fitzgerald is the 4th-best fantasy WR on that stacked team of yours, Fitzy for Tiny Darren or (even better) Fred Jackson seems like a worthwhile move.

Now to Sex. As you know this weekend is Halloween, and as a single 23 year old guy on one of the nation’s biggest party schools, I’m naturally excited. The question I have though, is wondering if there is any sort of protocol for any attempts to hook up this weekend? I enjoy a relationship as much as anybody, but since I’m single i see no reason not to pursue the night’s many scantily clad girls. I’m not going to hit on everything with a nice pair of legs, I’m not going to make the lame puns on costumes, and my costume isn’t the douche bag variety that shows off the muscle I don’t have. Are there do’s and don’ts for the festive atmosphere? I’m not looking for a guide to pick girls up, just is there anything I shouldn’t do? Or am wrong for having such a goal of hooking up?
-Not Bernard Berrian

Don’t be silly, drunken Halloween sex with a stranger is as good as drunken stranger sex gets. You haven’t lived until you’ve hooked up with someone wearing a bunch of fake blood.

I think a good tactic for that scenario is to try to stay one or two drinks behind everyone else at the bar/party. If you get drunker at a slower rate than everyone else, you’ll seem more cool and collected than the average horny drunk guy.


Football first: I’ve got Foster, Blount, Fred Jackson, Tiny Darren (@STL), and Torain (@BUF). Tiny Darren or Torain for a) this week and b) the rest of the year?

Tiny Darren against that terrible Rams defense, Tiny Darren for the rest of the year, Tiny Darren always.

Sexytime: I’m good friends with my ex, it’s cool,

I doubt it.

we’re over each other but still enjoy hanging out. Recently I met a good friend of hers and I liked her, I mentioned this to my ex and she kinda freaked out. So I told her that if it would hurt her, I wouldn’t do anything about it, which has no big deal at the time. But now I’ve gotten to know her friend better, and I’m only liking her more, and I think she likes me too.I don’t think my ex was freaked out because she secretly still likes me or anything, she has a boyfriend whom she claims to love, and the last time we were almost a thing she turned me down.

Is there anyway I can approach this with my ex while still letting her know I care about her feelings and shit?
Thanks a bunch,
-Young Person

Fuck your ex’s feelings. She dissed you, she’s got a boyfriend now, and she’s just pissy because she feels that everyone who ever dated her is supposed to spend the rest of their lives pining over her. She’s upset at the notion of you being happy without her. Go date that girl.


Dear Person Who Is Better At Life Than I:
FF: No question I’m hopelessly in last no advice can save my team this year. Fuck me.

Sexytimes: Recently I decided to try and get back with an ex. We were very serious a few years ago but I broke up with her for no good reason because I was 22 and thought I had the whole wolrd figured out now that I’m in my late 20’s I have realized the error of my ways. After a few texts and phone calls catching up we went out on 2 dates. Im looking for a relationship not just to get laid so I played it slow and never explicitly told her my intentions other than those implied by asking a girl out for dinner. We didn’t have sex or anything along those lines. After the second date I learned from a mutual friend that she has had a boyfriend this whole time. I confronted my ex and she confirmed that she had a bf and that he doesn’t know about me. I still haven’t told her that I’m interested in getting back together with her. Should I tell her how I feel? Is it too much of a dick move to try and talk her into leaving her bf for me? Or should I keep my mouth shut and keep in touch until shes single and then make my move?
Thanks for your help,

It’s hard because you don’t really know her intentions. Did she go out with you because she wants to get back together? Or is she just bored and and wanting to feel wanted by someone who can’t have her? Hard to tell with women sometimes.

If I were you, I’d put it out there and then get out of the way. “Hey, I was an idiot the first time we dated. I’d like to do it again now that I’m a fully formed adult, because I think you’re great. But I’m not going to go behind anyone’s back, and I’m not going to hang out with a woman I like if she has a boyfriend. So let me know if your situation changes.” Then you drop the mic and walk off the stage.

…and then you stalk her on Facebook for telling updates about her personal life. I mean, OBVIOUSLY.

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