Ok so I took a long break from Hard Knocks to do the Analyst Powerankings plus I mailed the last one in so hard most of you probly thought it was the work of a Detmer. But heres the last installment of Hard Knocks: The League Office.
Let me get you up to speed: When we last left commissioner Goodell he was locked and loaded about to crash the publicity party being hosted by weasel NFLPA lawyer De Smith at the Manhattan McDonalds=official league sponsor of NFL play 60 health & fitness outreach and all around champion thoughtleader restaurant.
De Smith had announced that he along with every fan of football was suing the league for brain damage from big hits, and if that wasnt enough,, De Smith had Junnior Seaus brain trafficed into Roger Goodells dead dad’s head so that Goodell would have a hard time arguing with it like the Jesus character in Contact that talks to Helen Hunt.
Things had turned ugly for the commisioner and he arranged for StatBoy and media elites like John Clayton to show up to record all the footage from the debate that was sure to happen. Goodells faithful driver Calvin (who it turns out was white the whole time your all a bunch of racists and once more Im the least racist) is driving him to McDonalds (Calvin could just absolutely make a meal out of there McRib, Fanta and Fried Chicken dishes and “sammiches” he calls ‘em).
Goodell loads his shotgun and strap’s on his bulletproof vest which are all legally purchased at gunshows earlier that day and if he had to do a background check well he wouldnt of been able to protect himself.
The clock strikes 5PM eastern as Goodell pulls up outside Mickey Ds as Calvin like’s to say. Goodell steps out and StatBoy is smoking a cigarette in the rain.
STATBOY: Your late
Goodell: Your early
Reali and Goodell do a bro handshake that only the two of them know its clear theres some history there
STATBOY: Dont say I never do nothing for you.
The two of them walk inside along with the camera crew. Goodell orders a Ice tea no sugar or lemon and sits on the top balcony inside the McDonalds waiting for Around the Horn to start. He sips his Ice Tea and just stares down at De Smith, His Dad/Junior Seau and Rachel Nickles below. (Rachels pregnant from earlier that day.) He takes a nother calm sip.
Reali turns to the camera crew just as Around the Horn starts
STATBOY: Welcome to Around the Horn the game where eveythings made up and the point’s dont matter. First up we have By Or Sell with our special guest, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. Commish, do you By or Sell De Smiths new lawsuit that threatens the very fabric of the League Year as we know it?
The camra cuts down to De Smith’s table. Out of nowhere John Clayton runs up behind Rachel Nickles and stabs her repetedly in the stomach as DeSmith and Goodells Dad/Junior Seau look on in horror. Goodell just starts absolutely standing his ground blasting the shotgun left and right. Every one around him poops as they dive out of the way accept Calvin who is steady as you please as he locks De Smiths pitbull in the McDonald ballpit. After locking up and probably killing De Smiths pitbull Calvin fires his crossbow into Goodells Dad/Seau. (Calvins a convicted felon Goodells real nice about giving second chances but Calvins not aloud to own a gun) Seau/Goodells Dad is hurt pretty badley and crawls over to Rachel Nickles whose bleeding pretty bad from where she got stabbed.
One of PNut Tillmans out of control kids is trying to open the door to let the dog out but hes to dumb to figure out how a door works or what a dead dog looks like. So he tries to get it to play fetch or something with the ballpit balls but the dog just lies there. This goes on for like a full minute seriously.
De Smith is meanwhile panicking and just running in circles holding his hat on his head with both hands the whole time like a idiot whose never stood his ground before. He looks over at John Clayton staring at all the blood on his hands and sobbing like a girl (hes never played the game of football remember he lacks accountibility) Smith runs up behind him and takes John Clayton hostage holding a shiv that he had keystered this whole time to the Professers throat and looks up at Goodell as he wet’s himself. Goodells not inpressed.
Goodell: You think I give a shit about him De? The road end’s here.
De: B-b-b-b-b-b-but what about my lawsuit? Im suppose to be rich!
Goodells Dad/Seau stands up and pulls a gun out of his jacket and aims it directly at Goodell. This looks like its curtains folks,, at the last second Peter King (dressed as there McDonalds waiter the whole time in a goofy visor) shoves a order of Chicken McBites down Goodells Dads throat, who collapses to the floor and dies of choking.
Peter King: Talk about a big nugget.
Commissioner Goodell doesnt even bat a eye no one said his job would be easy but hes got to make the tough decisions for whats best for the league.
De Smith realizes its a lost cause but still he shivs the absolute heck out of Claytons throat who collapses in a heap but no one really cares since hes never suited up on Sundays and cant possibly imagne what thats like. Smith stands there like a sadsack buffoon afterward waiting for justice. Out of nowhere Florio whose holding a grenade shows up and sticks his hand into De Smiths butthole and pulls the pin. Theres a explosion obviously and De Smiths body blows up and his head flys up and lands on Goodells table but his hat gets blown just a little bit higher and lands comfortably on Goodells head.
Goodell: Thats what I call “Heads Up.”
Realis been adding points like a maniac for Goodell this whole time its the biggest blowout in the history of Around the Horn,,Woody Page and Plashke are just sitting there mouths open Marriotti had a stroke from the violence. Goodell makes it home in time to take his wife out for there anniversery and make love in 3 different positions. Twitter goes nuts.