Hater’s Guide To The Postseason: New Orleans Saints

01.04.14 4 years ago 24 Comments


Oh, I know.

Trust me, I know how much you hate the Saints.

“Womp, womp, they won the Super Bowl and fixed Katrina blah blah blah that storyline is tired.”

I hear it all the time.

“Oh boo hoo, we got caught paying players to hit Brett Favre super hard and now we’re penalized. Waaaaaaah!”

I know this all, you see, because I am a Saints fan.

A willingly-paid-for-tickets-when-Aaron-Brooks-was-the-QB Saints fan.

A spray-painted-“Benson Is A Liar“-on-a-thrown-fridge-after-Katrina Saints fan.

So who better to tell you why you should hate this team than a guy on the inside? Know your enemy, after all.

1. Drew Brees is everywhere.

Call it the Peyton Manning Syndrome. If there’s a product to hawk, Brees will do it. NyQuil? Sure! Wrangler jeans? You got it! Chase Bank? Of course! There’s apparently nothing he WON’T endorse, except maybe the closing of Guantanamo Bay. What the blue hell is Advocare? I have no idea but Drew is for it. But you know what? Fuck it. I don’t care. Dude won my team a Super Bowl. He made my old hometown happy. That was the best Mardi Gras ever. I got sprayed by a cop with silly string, for chrissakes! So I’ll forgive him all of these endorsements, these chances to build the piggy bank a little bit because the dude won’t be throwing darts forever.

The one thing I will never forget, though, is this, so you’d be excused for your hatred.

2. The “feel good” story is over.

You’re tired of it. Hell, I’m tired of it and I was living in the city when Katrina hit. Chances are, everyone except for maybe Joe Buck will let it slide this time. The Saints didn’t solve the city’s economic and racial disparities, haters say. And they’d be right. That mess still exists whether the Saints win or not. But when they win, everyone feels a little better on Monday. And it’s the media that keeps hoisting that narrative, not the residents. Just keep that in mind but, okay, “Treme” is really a bummer show, man. I mean, it’s great and all, but holy hell I want to drink myself into a depressed stupor after every episode.

3. Sean Payton

When he’s thinking, he makes a face that looks like a cat butt. It’s smug. Sure, you hate Jimmy Graham’s goal post dunks but man you hate that cat butt face.

Screen Shot 2014-01-03 at 10.23.29 PM

Which leads me to…

4. Conspiracies, man!

Even I’ll admit whining coming from the 504 last season in the wake of the year-long suspension (which I still think was a little harsh) of Payton and the BANNINATION of Greggggg Williams grated after a while. Yeah, it cost the team a season of the Drew Brees era and, yeah, The Rog made the Saints the whipping boy for the wrongs of a lot of people. But that’s the punishment if you’re dumb enough to get caught. And Greggggg is dumb so there ya go. That whining has subsided in the wake of worries about the team’s ability to actually win outside the Superdome, but bring it up and you’ll get a Tea Party Birther-quality rant.

5. 2011

The Saints are the only team to lose to a sub-.500 team in the playoffs so fuck me.

6. Rob Ryan

Deep down, you really hate the Oscar Bluth of the NFL and you like to watch him suffer.

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