Hater’s Guide To The Post Season: Indianapolis Colts

01.03.14 4 years ago 72 Comments

Here at KSK we constantly joke that “no body cares about the Texans.” And while that might be true, the cold reality is that no one gives a single flying fuck about the Indianapolis Colts. Honestly and truly. The 2013 Indianapolis Colts might be one of the most forgettable 11-5 teams in NFL history. 6-0 against the rest of the AFC South; Titans (7-9), Jaguars (4-12) and the Texans (2-14). Congratulations, Indianapolis. You went 6-0 against scurvy, shingles and the plague. The NFL would be better served if they realigned your division into a donkey basketball league.

How much contempt do I hold for the Colts? I’m not even going to bother with actual paragraphs. You get the skinny listicle like you so rightly deserve.

  • By dumb luck, you’re playing the Kansas City Chiefs — and we have plenty of hate for them too, a team that has looked listless and tired down the stretch. Great. You’ve already beaten them once and you’re only favored in the game by a point and half. That’s gamblers saying to you on the playground, “I like you, but I don’t like like you.”
  • There are still playoff tickets available the day before the game. Listen, I’m sure weather, the economy, embarrassment that you still haven’t replaced your Manning jersey are all very good reasons why you haven’t sold out this weekend’s wild card match up as of this posting. Because you haven’t sold out  your game we’re made to suffer baseball writers mocking the death of the NFL. BASEBALL WRITERS. YOU BROUGHT THIS UPON US.
  • Speaking of the sellouts, according to that article, your streak of 103 sellout games has been sustained by a local television station buying up tickets so the game won’t be blacked out. Why do we never hear about your team possibly being moved to LA?
  • UPDATE: Game is now sold out because a grocery store bought the remaining seats. Hope they got a lot of bonus gas points on their club card.

Sugar Pie

  • Sugar pie. Pre-made frozen pie shell, heavy whipping creme, sugar, flour, whole (!!!) milk, butter and a touch of nutmeg and/or cinnamon. Sometimes they get racy and add vanilla. A few years ago when I made a sugar pie for the Super Bowl, I was polite and said it was like a simpler creme brulee. I was being polite. Don’t think I could get through another one of these pies again, and I ate escargot last night.
  • Speaking of the Colts-Saints Super Bowl, your mayor bet your city’s shrimp cocktail against New Orleans shrimp. Pretty arrogant to bet a food that comes to you in frozen blocks against the people who provide you with said frozen blocks of shrimp.
  • Andrew Luck. Okay, we I guess we like him. FOR NOW.
  • Jim Irsay’s Twitter feed. That’s how we know if the Lucas Oil Field roof is going to be open or closed. Also gems such as these:

  • Jim Irsay owning the original manuscript scroll of Kerouac’s On the Road, which he paid nearly two and half million dollars for. You cannot sum up Baby Boomer’s shallow attempts at finding a deeper meaning to life than a trust fund billionaire who was handing a team at age 37 to a book that does not even hold up in modern counterculture more perfectly than that. Oh wait, you can.

Jim Irsay Jerry Garcia Guitar

  • That’s Jim Irsay strumming on Tiger, Jerry Garcia’s main guitar through the late-70s through mid-80s. It was also the last guitar Garcia was ever seen playing publicly. I have no love for the Dead, but risk scratching such a notable guitar — one Irsay nearly paid a million dollars for — with a Super Bowl ring seems like the least-hippie thing I can imagine. Also, Irsay has too many fingers to properly play it.
  • The Colts lost terribly to the Arizona Cardinals, which must make the 10-6 Cards feel pretty good about staying home this post season.
  • You also lost terribly to the St. Louis Rams, and I’m not even sure St. Louis knows they have a football team.
  • Non-Colts fans: Quick off the top of your head, name more than ten Colts players on the roster. Okay, seven. Five? Okay, name someone other than Andrew Luck, Robert Mathis, Vontae Davis or Darrius Heyward-Bey. No, Trent Richardson doesn’t count, he’s a Browns sleeper agent. Fine, we’ll accept Adam Vinatieri but you know he’s going to retire eventually and you’re going to have to learn a new name
  • Not so much that you destroyed Baltimore, we’re fine with that, but the real crime is Cleveland continues to pay for your sins and somehow you get away with it, regularly making the playoffs during the nearly two decades the Browns have been made to suffer for your spoils. That’s messed up. Have you even sent them a fruit basket or a card to say you’re sorry?

So to hell with you, Indianapolis Colts. Here’s my parting gift to you.

Never gets old.

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