Hater’s Guide to the Postseason: Atlanta Falcons, NFC 1st Seed

01.12.11 7 years ago 130 Comments

Hate restores us. Hate focuses us. Hate keeps us warm at night and spoons us if we so desire it. And no time is hate more powerful – more necessary – than the postseason, when those we despise are so close to getting what they want. I don’t get what I want, so f*ck those guys. There are countless reasons to hate anyone. Some of which you might not be aware. Or been made to realize that they are worthy of scorn. Well, you came to the right place. Allow us to guide you to the darkest recesses of the soul, where the streets run dark green with bile and everyone knows your embarrassing nickname.

Pfft. Going to Morehouse doesn’t make you from Atlanta, Sam Jackson. I’ll just have to revert to my default Falcons clip:

It takes a lot to make me ever want the Eagles to win anything (just as soon as Unsilent dubs their fans “unfairly maligned,” those toxic subhuman drooltards went and trashed a Packers fan’s car when the Iggles lost on Sunday). Nevertheless, I was hoping those shitheads would at least advance to the NFC championship to face the Falcons in Atlanta, so we could witness the spectacle of 90 percent of the home crowd rooting on the opposing quarterback. Michael Vick wasn’t even that good with Atlanta, but it’s like the racial inverse of Boston. They’ll love him forever. Matt Ryan could win the next dozen Super Bowls and you’ll still see every jersey in the stands be a 2004 vintage Michael Vick.

Atlanta, by the way, is frequently cited as one of the worst sports cities in America. The Braves had the entire South to themselves for pretty much forever and can barely get anyone to care about them. I think I saw half dozen people get in a tizzy about Jason Heyward last year. Fantastic. The Falcons will never stand a chance unless they’re allowed entry into the SEC. So you could be excused for not being up to speed on what has been going on with the Durrrrty Birds lo these last forty-plus years. A brief summation:

Them sucking. Then sucking some more. Jerry Glanville wearing a bunch of hokey black shit like an even faker version of Johnny Cash. Deion Sanders being good before he left to win titles with other, better teams. Brett Favre being traded away so they could swiftly usher in the Jeff George era. Andre Rison getting his home burned down by Left Eye. That one good season in ’98 where they kept the far more entertaining Vikings team out of the Super Bowl then proceeded to get blown out by the Broncos and have Eugene Robinson arrested for solicitation. Michael Vick being exciting but erratic and eventually jailbound. Bobby Petrino fucking the team over but nobody caring because it’s the Falcons. Matt Ryan being a mediocre shriveldick.

You are now caught up on Falcons history.

It’s a quarterback fluffing league, so it’s not surprising that Matty Ice has received an inordinate amount of credit for this BANNER Falcons season, even though if you take away Michael Turner, the offense goes entirely to shit. The Falcons are 1-3 this season in games where he’s posted fewer than 50 yards. Neutralize him and Ryan forces 30 passes at Roddy White. Annoying aging vegan Tony Gonzalez has finally hit the wall and doesn’t do anything but run five-yard crossing patterns. Kroy Biermann has a stupid name and a reality show whore of a fiancee. Arthur Blank is Vincent Price, only unintentionally creepy. Mike Smith has eclipsed Tom Coughlin in facial ruddiness and he doesn’t even coach a cold weather team. I’ve never been to Atlanta, but the laws of urban planning dictate that if your city has a nice aquarium, it’s almost certainly a shithole. More than a few people have confirmed as much.

But mostly what I hate about the Falcons is that they’re just goddamn boring. Roddy and Brent Grimes are exciting players and John Abraham remains measty, but for the most part their games are plodding affairs. They don’t have any fans to rile up. No compelling narrative in any way, other than me wanting to see that Play 60 team bus commercial end in a fiery wreck. If the league weren’t already intent on destroying itself with an impending lockout, Goodell would have to be shitting himself over the however remote possibility of a Ravens-Falcons Super Bowl. Holy shit would that generate absolutely no buzz whatsoever. ESPN might just start previewing Jets-Patriots games for the 2012 season. Lucky for the Rog this team will get rolled by the Packers, unless Atlanta can keep getting away with not showing replays that would reverse critical 4th down conversions.




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