Hater’s Guide To The Postseason: Baltimore Ravens, AFC 5th Seed

01.07.11 7 years ago 82 Comments

Hate restores us. Hate focuses us. Hate keeps us warm at night and spoons us if we so desire it. And no time is hate more powerful – more necessary – than the postseason, when those we despise are so close to getting what they want. I don’t get what I want, so f*ck those guys. There are countless reasons to hate anyone. Some of which you might not be aware. Or been made to realize that they are worthy of scorn. Well, you came to the right place. Allow us to guide you to the darkest recesses of the soul, where the streets run dark green with bile and everyone knows your embarrassing nickname.

I have very little reason to hate the Ravens, seeing as how I live in the DC area and the Ravens occasionally save this TV market from being subject to nothing but the Redskins. Furthermore, obnoxious Steelers fans spend an inordinate amount of time bitching that Ravens fans always complain about the refs, which I really haven’t seen much (Cue Steelers fan going “WHAA???? BUT THEY DO IT ALL THE TIME DERP DERP DERP!”). Also, mention the Ravens and your average Steelers fan will spend ten minutes explaining to you why the Ravens aren’t as good as you might think they are. So really, the reason I hate the Ravens is because they make the Steelers more annoying than they already are.

But that’s not good enough. This site is dedicated to good hatin’, and you deserve a little more than just indirect hateration. After all, this team still employs Ray Lewis. And it’s still the franchise that was cruelly wrested away from all the fat people in Cleveland, who were then doubly wounded by being given the NEW Browns, who are worse than butt herpes. Also, Michael Oher is on the Ravens, and his existence is the reason “The Blind Side” made $250 million, which goes to show that white Americans love to watch movies about white Americans who adopt very large black men and treat them like puppies.

Then, of course, there’s Willis McGahee:

Q: So far, what’s the most difficult thing about fatherhood?
A: Nothing right now. Not for me. Just dealing with the mother. That’s the difficult part. After that, everything is cool.

Q: What’s more troublesome, an ex-wife or a baby momma?
A: A baby momma.

Q: Why?
A: Because they feel like they should be a part of your life for 18 years. An ex-wife, you can get away from her. A baby momma, you can’t get away from her until the child is 18 or older. They’re going to constantly ask you for money. They just want to nag you for no reason, just because they can. (Willis has never been married.)

Q: Did you meet both of these women here in Miami?
A: (Laughs) Yeah.

Q: Is that why you say you need to get out of Miami?
A: I need to get out of Miami.

Ha ha! It’s funny because he’s terrible person. He’s also the single most annoying fantasy football player of all time, managing to be at various points a Bust, a Vulture, and The Guy You Have To Start Off Waivers Who Never Has Good Week At The Right Time. God, he’s horrible.

The Ravens also are celebrating their third straight year as the Least Interesting Team in the Playoffs. Did you know that nine of Baltimore’s thirteen franchise playoff games have ended with a double digit margin of victory? They are allergic to interesting playoff football. Watching them win the Super Bowl in 2000 was about as fun as watching a pigeon take a shit. They are an aggressively boring and pointless squad, and I hope the Chiefs beat the living piss out of them on Saturday so that I get Jamaal Charles in Round 2 instead of Joe Flacco’s waxed eyebrows. SO FUCK YOU, BALTIMORE. The reason you have an inferiority complex when it comes to other East Coast cities is because you are, in fact, inferior.

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