Hater’s Guide to the Postseason: Chicago Bears, NFC 2nd Seed

01.10.11 7 years ago 218 Comments

Hate restores us. Hate focuses us. Hate keeps us warm at night and spoons us if we so desire it. And no time is hate more powerful – more necessary – than the postseason, when those we despise are so close to getting what they want. I don’t get what I want, so f*ck those guys. There are countless reasons to hate anyone. Some of which you might not be aware. Or been made to realize that they are worthy of scorn. Well, you came to the right place. Allow us to guide you to the darkest recesses of the soul, where the streets run dark green with bile and everyone knows your embarrassing nickname.

Cutlerfucker, in his fifth season, is now making his first-ever playoff appearance after presiding over three late season chokes with the Broncos and a complete washout in his first year with the Bears. When they acquired him, Chicago fans figured they were getting the team’s first capable franchise quarterback in several lifetimes and now it turns out that 23 touchdowns and 16 interceptions is about the production ceiling for their po-faced sulkslinger. This is as good as it gets and he still blows.

That kind of gets to the heart of my difficulty truly detesting the Bears. Even when they’re good, they’re never a threat to do anything. Every few years, they manage to be a bye with someone like Jim Miller or Rex Grossman leading the way. The ’06 Bears made the Super Bowl on account of the rest of the NFC being horrid (the 10-6 Jeff Garcia-led Eagles and the 10-6 defensively deficient Saints were the two best teams in the conference after Chicago) then proceeded to let the Fat Humps win the Super Bowl even though Peyton Manning played like shit except for the one long pass where the Bears didn’t bother to cover Reggie Wayne deep.

The Bears are like a former president who hasn’t died yet. Every few years they might come out and say something or write a memoir or win some pointless award, but no one really cares. Your phase of significance has passed. We’re just waiting for you to croak so we can present your body in-state.

And the 2010 Bears might be the worst team to ever get a first-round bye. If Seattle beats them this weekend in Soldier Field, AS THEY ALREADY DID IN WEEK 6, I don’t know if I would really consider it a upset. I would consider it satisfying after reading articles about how Bears fans are already looking forward to a home NFC Title Game against Green Bay, who would likely crush Chicago unmercifully.

Ticket broker James Magoonaugh awoke this morning to several messages from Bears fans on his answering machine. But none of the callers were asking about tickets to this Sunday’s match-up against the Seattle Seahawks.

They were already looking ahead, to a potential dream match-up: an NFC championship game on Jan. 23 between the Bears and Packers at Soldier Field.

“If Green Bay comes, it’ll be something special at Soldier Field,” said Magoonaugh, owner of Redlinetickets.com.

The Bears best offensive strategy is still hoping someone is dumb enough to punt to Hester. Of course, even though the Bears ranked 30th on offense, Cutler managed to throw fewer than 20 picks, so Mike Martz is lavished with undue credit once again. Sure, Chicago’s defense is pretty good, but I can’t even appreciate it because Julius Peppers domination just transmogrifies into slurping for overrated, Paris Hilton-infected shitbag Brian Urlacher. And if that weren’t enough, it gives cause for Matt Millen to call defensive coordinator Rod Marinelli one of the the best coaches he’s ever been around.

The Lions should have swept this goddamn team. The Bears only won the first matchup by dint of an idiotic and soon-to-be-changed NFL rule that negated what should have been a Calvin Johnson touchdown catch. The second game the Bears were helped to their go-ahead touchdown by a laughably incorrect roughing call on Ndamukong Suh for pushing Cutlerfucker too hard to the ground on a scramble.


You know those fan bases that think every minor transaction their team makes is deserving of universal attention? Well, Bears fans are the only member of this club who root for a team that never wins shit. Take away the ’85 Bears and their franchise isn’t much less downtrodden than the Browns in the modern era. Yet if they sign someone to the practice squad, I have to hear a bunch of rah-rah assholes wonder why this isn’t a bigger issue on the national stage. Fuck you, that’s why. You’ll all still be buying Ditka sweater vests in 50 years because you won’t have anything more recent to celebrate.



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