Hater’s Guide To The Postseason: Green Bay Packers, NFC 6th Seed

01.04.11 7 years ago 135 Comments

Only you have the power to stop the lockout!

Hate restores us. Hate focuses us. Hate keeps us warm at night and spoons us if we so desire it. And no time is hate more powerful – more necessary – than the postseason, when those we despise are so close to getting what they want. I don’t get what I want, so f*ck those guys. There are countless reasons to hate anyone. Some of which you might not be aware. Or been made to realize that they are worthy of scorn. Well, you came to the right place. Allow us to guide you to the darkest recesses of the soul, where the streets run dark green with bile and everyone knows your embarrassing nickname.

Hey lookie here, it’s the team everyone in the world assumed would win the Super Bowl in the preseason. Only they narrowly even made the playoffs and might have sealed their own fate by giving Kevin Kolb a concussion in Week 2 1, thus unleashing a reinvigorated Mike Vick on the world.


It’s true. No other team has those. That’s some hard luck, guys.

How exactly did Packers fans get the reputation of being the most savvy in the NFL? Half the cheesedicks who didn’t already leave the fan base to root on whoever Brittfar was playing for couldn’t tell Dom Capers from Dom Irrera. Packers fans are fucking retards and the only ones who actually possess anything approaching an acumen for football are holed up in Green Bay, which is like Lambeau Field and three streets. What the fuck else are you going focus on? Snow and trans fats?

I’ll admit Aaron Rodgers is a fairly likable guy at this point in his career, but we all know the minute he actually wins something of consequence for the Packers, the Favretards are going to transfer their disgusting worship to him, poison his mind and turn him into Dongslinger II: The Beardier Twat. Just watch. It’ll happen.

Clay Matthews is on steroids. You can see him in the upcoming Thor movie, playing Thor’s gay brother, Thhhhhor. Brandon Underwood might have raped two girls last year, but no one gives a shit because he’s not a quarterback. No matter what lies have been perpetuated by a hilarious YouTube video, Greg Jennings hasn’t been carrying the team on his fuckin’ back, doh. And John Kuhn is the white man’s answer to Peyton Hillis, who has been granted official blackness for actually being good.


Maybe it’s because almost no one recognizes him and therefore he doesn’t have the inflated ego.

Maybe it’s because he had to pay for college so he worked in the factory that roasted beans for Starbucks Coffee, cooked at a country club and tested samples of Pepcid Complete for Johnson & Johnson.

Maybe it’s because John Smiiiith just wouldn’t work.

Certainly it’s because he’s rumbled into the end zone six times.

Whatever it is, Green Bay Packers fullback John Kuhn has become sort of a folk hero around here, part ambassador for the Wisconsin working man, savior for the wounded running game and vocal outlet for frozen Lambeau Field faithful.

Yeah, it’s totally the fact that he’s scored SIX WHOLE TOUCHDOWNS and not the fact that his pallid burliness is like a swan song to the calcified fats slowly killing everyone in the shitty Lambeau bleacher seats.

Fuck this team. I hope Aaron Rodgers never wins shit and is still doing that retarded championship belt celebration when he’s 35 and being hailed as one of the greatest to never get a ring. And I hope someone can actually locate Green Bay on a map so I can know where I’m not supposed to give a shit about.

Troll rating: Players


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