Hater’s Guide to the Postseason: New Orleans Saints, NFC 5th Seed

01.05.11 7 years ago 86 Comments

Hate restores us. Hate focuses us. Hate keeps us warm at night and spoons us if we so desire it. And no time is hate more powerful – more necessary – than the postseason, when those we despise are so close to getting what they want. I don’t get what I want, so f*ck those guys. There are countless reasons to hate anyone. Some of which you might not be aware. Or been made to realize that they are worthy of scorn. Well, you came to the right place. Allow us to guide you to the darkest recesses of the soul, where the streets run dark green with bile and everyone knows your embarrassing nickname.

The Saints got their feel-good title last year and forever tarnished Peyton Manning’s legacy in doing so, and for that we have thanked them. But now we must insist that they have overstayed their welcome on the sympathy wagon and must please now fuck off and die in turbid water.

There has been a noticeable change in the Who Datters since getting their long-awaited Super Bowl. Whereas last year most of them were overjoyed that anyone was paying attention to their shitty team for any other reason than multiple shots of people in the Superdome crowd with bags on their heads, now those titblisters flip out anytime speaks ill of their precious Breesus or suggests the Saints might not repeat as champions. More than any other fan base – even fuckstick hypersensitive Colts fans – I’ve gotten more backlash on Twitter for cracking on teams from Saints fans. Maybe they just expect everyone to keep kissing their ass in perpetuity because some tragedy happened five years ago, but fuck that shit. You got your Super Bowl. Your city is “saved” now. Piss off.

It’s not like misfortune hasn’t befallen anywhere else in the country. Hell, Detroit and Cleveland look like bombed-out hellscapes and they didn’t even need natural disasters to get there. Where’s their sports redemption? And let’s just come out admit it: a good portion of the reason you still get sympathy is because everyone hates Bush and oil companies. You got fucked over by popular villains.

Treme’s fucking boring. It is. Sorry, David Simon fluffers. I thought your city was supposed to be compelling. And if the music scene is so great, why don’t I listen to anyone from New Orleans? Oh, you guys produced Lil’ Wayne. Wow. That one decent album he made was nice, I guess. Doesn’t he not even live in the city anymore? Oh, you got great jazz musicians. I’ll be sure to alert all the old black guys and the clove cigarette smoking pretentious white college kids.

I’m getting sick of Drew Brees’ “1…2… Freddy’s coming for you…” pregame bullshit. We don’t need a white Ray Lewis. And now Breesus has gotten dangerously close to Manning and Favre levels of announcer apologia for his mistakes. You all saw the Monday night game in Atlanta. Even fucking Matt Millen was calling Brees’ fuck-ups “Favrian.” “BAAAWWWWW GAAAAWWWW DREW BREES HAS AMNESIA HE DOESN’T REMEMBER HIS LAST INTERCEPTION OR EVEN WHERE HE IS WHEN HE WAKES UP IN THE MORNING!” With 22 picks this year, Brees is gonna be glad he forgot about the year he turned into Jay Cutler.

I’d love to see the Saints get bounced by the 7-9 Seahawks just to see the gumbo tears of Nawlins as a bunch of newly cocky Saints fans piss and moan about how they got screwed by the playoff format. And this is coming from somehow who hates the fucking Seahawks. Don’t think it could happen? Shit, the Saints shat the bed against Arizona AND Cleveland this year. Remember when Hartley missed that chip shot that cost you a win and possibly your division? Glorious.

Enjoy your run at relevancy while it lasts. If it weren’t for the Miami Dolphins being fucktarded and signing Daunte Culpepper instead of Brees, you’d never have even sniffed a division title, much less a Super Bowl. That was a gift that fell into your lap. The Saints are too inept and mismanaged to stay good after Brees retires. Soon enough, the team will suck again and Tom Benson will restart talks about moving the team to Los Angeles or whatever other market is dumb enough to pony up for a new stadium. And the rest of America won’t feel sorry for you.



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