Hater’s Guide to the Postseason: Philadelphia Eagles, NFC 3rd Seed

01.07.11 7 years ago 154 Comments

Hate restores us. Hate focuses us. Hate keeps us warm at night and spoons us if we so desire it. And no time is hate more powerful – more necessary – than the postseason, when those we despise are so close to getting what they want. I don’t get what I want, so f*ck those guys. There are countless reasons to hate anyone. Some of which you might not be aware. Or been made to realize that they are worthy of scorn. Well, you came to the right place. Allow us to guide you to the darkest recesses of the soul, where the streets run dark green with bile and everyone knows your embarrassing nickname.

This was supposed to be easy. After all, we’re talking about the Eagles here. The Philadelphia Eagles. Your hate for them should flow like Mississippi in the days following a record rainfall. But for many the hate has slowed to a mere trickle. And it’s all Mike Vick’s fault.

Once Vick was thrust back under center the Eagles quickly became the NFL’s most exciting team. They have been thrilling to watch, and the added story of Vick’s rehabilitation and reclamation have further diluted our righteous vitriol.

At this point the Eagles are totally like that one crazy hot girl that Bill Simmons probably never dated. We should know better than to grow to fond of them. As aesthetically pleasing as they may be, we must resist all urges to root for them in the playoffs, especially if they should happen to win the NFC.

Yes, Mike Vick is incredible. But just think what a Super Bowl title would mean for the citizens of Philadelphia and the rest of the football loving nation. Never again would we be able to dismiss their drunken fans with jokes about their barren trophy case. Frankly, I’m not sure I want to live in a world where the Eagles are victors, and neither should you.

Their fans, while often unfairly maligned, are still some of the league’s preeminent assholes. Their coach is big old bag of shit. Their top receiver is a dick. And whenever you catch yourself marveling at Vick’s brilliance just picture him stomping the life out of your childhood dog.

The Eagles may have drawn you in, but now you must pray that they become the next flock of birds to fall to Earth. Otherwise the end of days could truly be nigh.

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