He’s So Far From Charles BarkleyThat He Might As Well Be White

05.29.07 10 years ago 32 Comments

There’s a really crucial point that you fucking media people need to pick up on, and that point is this: Dipshittery does not an analyst make. HEY LOOK I AM RAISING MY VOICE AND WAVING MY HANDS AROUND TO PUNCH THIS GREAT…eh, you get the idea.

You probably already know that ESPN, who is determined to make you hate sports before you die, has hired Keyshawn Johnson as an analyst for its once-heralded NFL pregame show. What might surprise you is that Key is ALREADY being heralded as pro football’s answer to Charles Barkley. Quoting the SI piece.

I’m not saying that Johnson will be as good as Barkley — who is? But like Barkley, Johnson will be the same kind of magnetic personality that can give genuine life to those roundtables where the energy and hilarity often feel forced.

I’d like to comment on Keyshawn’s analyst debut at the Draft, but I was too busy not drinking (don’t ask) and making ill-advised wagers on where Brady Quinn would finally come off the board. But it’s tough to hire someone for that panel that’s less likable than noted white people/gym-teachers-in-waiting. Merrill Hoge and Mark Schlereth, both dipshits.

Vince Young may have been a proficient college quarterback, but this is the NFL, and to succeed here, you’ve gotta HEY G0DAMMIT DON’T KICK THE VOLLEYBALL!

But what is this magnetic personality of which you speak? Magnetic…as in getting deactivated while perfectly healthy because he was such a little bitch? Magnetic…as in changing into a Steelers jersey after his Bucaneers won the NFC title?

He’ll probably step in and do well, and good for him. He’ll have plenty of insight, seeing as he’s played for half the teams in the league at one point or another.

But Keyshawn won’t measure up to Barkley…at all. Chuck is so good, so LIKEABLE, that one becomes upset after realizing that one must tune into the NBA to enjoy his insight. Keyshawn will never have that problem, as his role will simply be to open his mouth and fill minutes of a show that’s already too long, to say just enough, and then pass the ball back to the Combover in time for a circle-the-wagons comment, or some other shit.

And, frankly, the comparison pisses me off. Barkley is a genuine guy that says what’s on his mind. Keyshawn is a whore. And while the hire originally had many of us nodding our heads in agreement, Keyshawn will turn out to be little more than Michael Irvin with a more caucasian wardrobe, which is probably all they wanted anyway.

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