The Hue Jackson Conspiracy

01.10.14 4 years ago 31 Comments



With the Redskins taking Jay Gruden from the Bengals to be their new Snyder puppet, the Bengals have promoted Hue Jackson to be their new offensive coordinator. This is probably good news for Bengals fans, as Hue Jackson seems like a pretty confident OC. He’s had offensive success in several places and his system should work fairly well with the Bengals personnel. Well, outside Andy Dalton, but what are you gonna do? Draft Johnny Football? (Man that would own.) This is a curious series of events. Hue Jackson is now coordinating the offense of the team that he got swindled by while he was in Oakland? Man, football his funny sometimes and things are just weird. But what if things aren’t weird? what if things are crazy, but not crazy, but crazy like a fox?

What if Hue Jackson is playing the long con? We don’t know what his plan is. But we can look at his past.

1987-2000: Hue did a bunch of college stuff but nobody cares about that. Hue was just biding his time.

2001- 2003:  Hue was the RB coach under Schottenheimer, then curiously, Schottenheimer is…FIRED. He becomes the new OC under Steve Spurrier. Then, curiously, Spurrier…is FIRED. Well, he “resigned”. But regardless, Spurrier was out. Hue was planning on taking the HC job but Snyder…Snyder can’t be relied upon to do the right thing. Snyder is the kind of doof who would hire Jay Gruden. Hue cursed the Redskins. He cursed them to toil forever in failure. You will notice the Redskins have done so.

2004-2006: Hue becomes WR coach in Cincinnati. Hue transforms Ocho Cinco into a star, but never received enough credit and was never promoted. Hue took a chance to leave but vowed to one day return.

2007: Hue becomes OC under Bobby Petrino. Petrino is spooked by the mere presence of Hue. He bails the Falcons. Hue convinces his mind slave Mike Zimmer to bad mouth Petrino in the media.

2008-2009:  Hue becomes the QB coach of Joe Flacco in Baltimore. He gets Flacco into prime shape to one day sabotage his team with an outrageous contract. The sacrifice was a superbowl victory. A price well paid, and the Ravens are screwed forever while Flacco eats his gummy bears.

2010: Hue becomes the OC of the Oakland Raiders. Hue plays Tom Cable against his defensive assistant and Cable ends up punching the assistant. Soon, Cable is fired and Hue becomes the head coach. Has his dream been fulfilled?

2011: Hue is not given the freedom he desires under Al Davis. Davis is a control freak and continues to deny Hue his power. In October, Al Davis dies from “old age”. Nobody checks Hue’s alibi. It is here that Hue’s plan takes more shape. He never wanted the Raiders job, because who wants to live in Oakland? He wants the team that wronged him first. He wants the Bengals. He must leave the Raiders in the dust. With his new power he commands what, from the outside, is the worst trade in recent memory. Everyone agrees, Hue Jackson is so dumb that he got swindled by Mike Brown. But did he?

2012: Hue is fired by the new Oakland GM. He curses them as he leaves. He throws a fuss in the media to throw people off his scent. He goes back to Cincinnati. It’s time to take over the Bengals. It begins.

2013: Hue becomes the CIN RB coach. He gets to coach Giovani Bernard, a player picked with one of the many draft picks he gave up in Denver. It was all part of the plan. He gets Gio to perform well enough to get Jay Gruden hired away by the Redskins.

2014: Hue is promoted to Bengals OC. It’s only a matter of time.

So what is Hue’s endgame? Is he just a coach trying to make his way in the volatile world of NFL coaching? Or is he secretly trying to destroy us all? Based on past experiences, I have developed this prediction.

2015: The Bengals once again go one and done in the playoffs. Marvin is fired. Zimmer gets hired away. Hue is promoted to HC. Mike Brown dies from starvation from being so cheap he wont buy food. Hue now holds control over the entire organization.

2016: Hue sends the Bengals to London.

2017: The London Bengals earn so much money Hue buys the entire NFL.

2018: Hue buys all of Soccer.

2023: Hue becomes president of Earth.

2030: Hue is revealed to be Batman AND Robin.

2058: Robot apocalypse kills off everyone but the army of Hue clones.

30012: The Earth is consumed by fire as the sun goes supernova, Hue army survives by flying into space in Hue ships.

40078: God is killed by Hue, Hue becomes the almighty.

399670: The Browns win the Super Bowl.

It all makes perfect sense. Congratulations, Cleveland.

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