Hugh Hefner Announces Dumping On Twitter, Just Like All The Old Men Do


You have to admire Hugh Hefner. Dude is what, 108, and he’s still out there doing his thing, sporting robes all over the place LIKE A BOSS and taking advantage of the wonders of modern pharmaceuticals to nail broads that teenage boys whack off to. And he’s been doing this for years. There are worse lives to be lived, trust me.

So I probably shouldn’t feel at all sorry for him over the fact that his fiancee Crystal Harris called their wedding off, but I do. I mean, how will he ever possibly get over her, what with all the money and that ridiculous mansion he lives in and the scores of nubile young pieces of flesh eager to do whatever they can to entice his engorged, withered peen to squirt? The man was born in 1926, just around the time sliced bread was invented, meaning that Hugh Hefner is AS OLD AS SLICED BREAD — and he’s still nailing girls he could be a great-grandfather to. I, hell we, should all hate this fossil, but I can’t help but feel a little sorry for him. Maybe, just maybe, this was “the one?”

Yeah, I doubt it.

But hey, you have to get a kick out of the way the old man announced the breakup on Twitter, like a young!

Well screw you, Crystal! How dare you crush a rich old man’s dreams!? Even worse, E! reports that she’s been “stepping out” with that fathead Dr. Phil’s son. Oh the humanity! It’d be one thing to be cuckolded by Dr. Phil, but his dipsh*t son?! Come on!

Still, I’m sure that Hef will land on his feet. Looking on the bright side, he can now maybe get back to throwing the orgies he was probably throwing up until Crystal demanded he stop nailing other girls, orgies like the one so vividly described by a former playmate a couple of years ago.

One of the girls asked me if I wanted to go upstairs to Hef’s room… It seemed like every other girl was going, and if I didn’t it would be weird. One by one, each girl hopped on Hef and had sex with him… for about a minute. I studied their every move. Then it was my turn… it was very weird. I wasn’t thinking about how much older Hef was–all the body parts worked the same. I wanted to be there … Hef just lies there with his Viagra erection. It’s just a fake erection, and each girl gets on top of him for two minutes while the girls in the background try to keep him excited. They’ll yell things like, ‘f*ck her daddy, f*ckk her daddaddy!’ There’s a lot of cheerleader going on! The main girlfriend wipes off his [uncondomed] penis. She’s the girl who actually shares the bed with him. She sleeps there all night. She’s around 22 years old. He uses all the same girls. She’s been there for three years now… When it first gets started his main girlfriend gives him [oral sex], then she has sex with him. She’s the first to go because that’s the safest for her. No protection and no testing. He doesn’t care.

As for the rest of us, we’ll continue to long to cuddle with some of Hef’s conquers like this lion longs to eat this baby, and the world will spin madly on…

Around The Web