Hugh Hefner Announces That He Is Still Alive, On Twitter


Fresh on the heels of reports that the Viagra IV line he keeps plugged into his arm at all times is making him go deaf, rumors circulated wildly online last night and this morning that antique erection Hugh Hefner was dead, perhaps of a broken heart.

But Hugh Hefner is alive and well, according to Hugh Hefner

He then followed that up with another tweet saying, “I’m lying in bed next to Shera Bechard with a big smile on my face, reading tweets about my unexpected demise.”

“Unexpected” demise? What the hell would be so “unexpected” about an 85 year-old man who pumps himself full of boner pills daily suddenly dropping dead? Seems pretty expected to me!

And how do we know Hugh Hefner isn’t actually dead? How do we know that his penis — still Viagra-alive and fully engorged — isn’t the one sending out these Twitter missives? Or perhaps they’re being written by this Shera Bechard floosie? How do we know Marilyn Manson didn’t kill Hugh Hefner? HOW DO WE KNOW?!

I’m afraid that the only way we can know for sure if Hugh Hefner is alive is if someone holds up this death metal dog video to his face to see of he responds. This is the only true indication of life there is, I think.

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