“I Don’t See What’s So Funny About These Wade and Jerry Posts”

01.14.08 10 years ago 81 Comments
The wearied look of the fastidious.

Jaguars rookie safety Reggie Nelson, part of a defensive unit that allowed Tom Brady to complete an NFL record 92.9 percent of his passes Saturday night, dismissively remarked of Brady to reporters after the game, “He ain’t all that … He’s all right.”

What might strike some as smacking of bitterness after being ripped in historic fashion by the league’s MVP is actually in keeping with Nelson’s tendency of being difficult to impress. Here follows a sampling of some of the best of his blase.

“‘I Have a Dream’? Shit. That ain’t new. We ALL have dreams.”

“The Beatles? Meh. I guess Revolver was okay.”

“Water into wine??? What good is wine if the motherfucker ain’t going to make some cheese too?”

3:10 to Yuma was good, if you’re into remakes. Which I’m not.”

“Why would I want indoor plumbing? The outhouse is holdin’ up fine.”

“Picasso? A genius? Please. Have you seen that Cubist crap? It’s the EXACT SAME THING as Braque!!!”

“Language? Pfft. Whatever. We was doing all right grunting and writing glyphs on the wall.”

“Why would I want to convert to Fiat? The gold standard is doing great!”

“Philip Rivers is a dickbag. But he’s no Dane Cook.”

“Jonas Salk? Pussy. I had polio once. I got my ass out of bed, caught three interceptions and banged a stewardess on the flight home.”

“If you ask me A Brief History of Time is an amusing work of harebrained conjecture but ultimately irrelevant.”

“Y’all think Amy Winehouse is having a fucked-up time? Shit. I call that ‘Tuesday Night.'”

“Sure, the Mariana Trench is deep. But I’ve met girls with deeper chatches.”

“Sir Edmund Hillary was great, yeah. He still died, though, didn’t he?”

“The Great Wall of China? What’s so great about it? ‘s just one wall. You can just walk around it. Don’t protect you from the rain neither.”

[Shown picture of Adriana Lima]

(yawns) “Too old.”

“Why’s Fibonacci gotta have a whole sequence named after him? That’s greedy. I get by okay with just one number.”

“‘Birth of Venus'”? [makes jerk-off motion with hand]

“You liked No Country for Old Men? Get the fuck out. The ending was stupid!”

“Al-Qaeda? More like Shit Qaeda. They were, what, three of four on 9/11? Hell, Tom Brady had a better completion percentage on Saturday, and we already know he ain’t all that.”

“Yeah, the Burj Dubai is pretty tall, but I bet you can’t get good barbecue there.”

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