If You Can Walk You Can Dance, If You Can Talk You Can Sing

04.21.08 10 years ago 43 Comments

That’s an old proverb from Zimbabwe

Dear Jesus, thank you for giving us the strength to keep the gays out of our circle.

Last week we learned that for the first time ever sports fan’s favorite video game, Madden 09, will feature user-controlled celebrations. Fans Sad little men everywhere could barely contain their excitement at the prospect of controlling Chad Johnson’s fluid dance steps, flexing TO’s muscles, and exposing Randy Moss’ red eye to a horrified mass of Packer fans.

Unfortunately for these braggadocios bedroom dwellers the celebrations featured in newest edition of Madden are not nearly as exuberant as some might have hoped. In fact, only a small sampling of the game’s players will even be capable of celebrating at all. Thanks to KSK’s high level contacts within EA Sports we are able to provide a list of the chosen players and their assigned celebrations.

Kurt Warner– Kisses wife, thanks Jesus for finding him a such an ideal mate through the process of degayification.

Shaun Alexander– Kneels down to pray, breaks foot trying to stand up, tells everybody Jesus will heal him in time for the playoffs.

Jon Kitna– Points toward Heaven with two fingers, prays for five more touchdowns in order to secure victory.

Adrian Peterson
– Thanks himself with a pat on the back, flagellates himself for accepting such a blasphemous nickname.

Jason Elam– Points toward Heaven with one hand, shoots Az-Zahir Hakim in the throat with the other.

Troy Polamalu– Prays quietly to self, braids hair.

Derrick Brooks- Tackles ball-carrier, testifies.

Mark Brunell
– Praises Jesus for all to hear, sits back down.

Trent Dilfer– Begins to kneel in prayer before wondering what sort of God would let him go bald.

David Tyree– Proclaims his inability to catch footballs without the benevolent grace of Christ Almighty.

Jesus, this game is gonna fucking suck.

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