I’m Sorry, Serena Williams

01.11.08 10 years ago 19 Comments

I was sorry, Serena Williams, to learn this morning that you were dumped by your boyfriend. Brad Maynard was reading Deadspin to me this morning, and I couldn’t feel worse for you. I know what it’s like to be with someone that you open up your pants heart to, only to have it crushed and mangled, as if it was being dragged over a cobblestone road through a town square. I feel bad.

And I’m sorry to say, Serena Williams, that you kinda brought some of this shit on yourself, dating a guy named “Jackie” that wasn’t actually Jackie Chan. Goodness Gracious, that dude is bad-ass. But this dude you were dating was an actor after all, and I’m sure that the Stanislavsky Method training of his helped him embellish some of the things that you already were willing to hear. It’s like Rexy always tells us: A girl can fake an orgasm, but only a guy can fake an entire relationship. Word, sistah.

So, you’re not gonna believe this, Serena Williams, but we didn’t make the playoffs this year, and I’ve got some free time coming up next month. Would you be interested in going to Honolulu with me in February? Yeah, I know I didn’t make the Pro Bowl, but Roy Williams said that he wasn’t voted in either, and now he’s going. I’m hoping that happens to me. Jeez, those cornerbacks get so lucky sometimes. But, we’d be there for the week. We can go to a luau and help Coach Jones clean out his office. Or we can help you come up with a better name for that apparel line that you don’t do any work on. ANERES? Shit, girl. I knew that was Serena spelled backwards as soon as I saw it.

You’re on your own getting back to the mainland, though. That’s just how I roll.

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