In Football, It’s Very Important To Be Able To Masturbate The Ball Down The Feel

11.28.07 10 years ago 52 Comments

People have been asking me, “How do you beat these Patriots? They are an offensive astronaut.” Well, I think the problem is that teams are not syphilisly equipped to deal with New England’s team speed downfeel. That’s something that you cannot stimulate in practice. No matter how hard you might antipasto it. They are a very prophylactic offense.

No, the key to beating the Patriots is to be able to run the ball. You take a look at a guy like Willie Parker. He has the dexatrim to be able to get past that first level of the defensive line and masturbate the ball down the feel. That’s the key to beating the Patriots, and really any other team: YOU MUST BE ABLE TO MASTURBATE THE BALL DOWN THE FEEL.

If you can’t masturbate the ball down the feel, you’re going to find yourself in many 3rd and long saturations. You want to be able to POUND it. Be perspiration in running that ball, masturbate it up the hole, and keep that Pats’ offense off the feel. Otherwise, that offense will DI-RECT you. I mean, just direct you and pick you apart all day.

I talked to Bill Belichick and he said he spent a lot of time this offseason studying videotape of Urban Meyer’s offense when he was at Uterus. Now, the college game is obviately different from the NFL. In college, your back can run to the outside and circumcise the defensive ends. But that won’t work in the NFL. If a runner erects to go outside, the defender has enough terminal veracity to catch up with you and give you a percussion. Or worse, you could fumble and a scrotum for the ball could ensue. You don’t want that against these Patriots! They Florida off of turnovers.

When I look at the teams that can give the Patriots trouble, I look at the Cowboys. They have DeMarcus Ware, who is a real burglaring star at defensive end. I mean, this boy knows how to Detroit holes in the offense! That’s the key. You have to match their speed with your speed. But that’s a difficult preposition for any team. And even if you have the speed, you still need the power to beat them up front. That’s the thing about the Patriots. They are a finesse team, yet they are also a power team. You could almost call them a chickenpox.

Now, I’m not gonna speculum that any one team is complement enough on offense and defense to beat the Patriots. Maybe the Packers. Brett Favre is a masochist at beating a defense. I mean, he can put on a clinic. He has cervical precision! But he’s so old, his methods almost seem antidisestablishmentarianism at this point. He’s an anominee. And what if he makes mistakes? On offense, you have to ejaculate turnovers. HAVE TO! Otherwise, these Pats will bury you! Right in the ground! They’d need a gynecologist to dig you up!

So, to you teams hoping for a magic salutation to beating this New England team, all I can say is keep masturbating that ball up the feel. That’s all I can tell you! I wish I knew more, but I’m just an anal cyst. Sorry.

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