Somewhere Mickey Rourke is popping open a beer in yet another in a long line of defeats. That’s because Adam Levine is our prospective sexiest man alive chosen by People Magazine. I say prospective because People actually hasn’t announced the Maroon 5 frontman yet, but Gossip Cop is all in on the news. They were the ones to correctly pinpoint Channing Tatum winning last year at least a week before the official announcement and I assume they are hoping for a repeat performance this year.
But even with the news arriving with a big fat question mark attached, that hasn’t stopped many on the internet from providing their own opinion on the matter. Most are in full support of the choice, Tweeting their favorite pictures and heaping on praise for “The Voice” judge. But Madeline Davies at Jezebel isn’t so quick to crown Levine:
We can mostly agree that Sexiest Man Alive is a meaningless title. Past winners include safe choices like Channing Tatum, Bradley Cooper and Ryan Reynolds — all perfectly pleasant-seeming guys with personalities about as exciting and inoffensive as a Pillsbury Crescent roll. But say you took that Pillsbury Crescent roll, sprinkled it with broken glass and turned it into an outspoken yoga enthusiast who won’t stop trying to talk you into anal — then you have Adam Levine. People has officially taken “Sexiest Man Alive” from enjoyably generic to Maroon 5 song-level repellent.
Davies provides a series of quotes to support her assertion that Levine is “the human equivalent of testing positive for chlamydia,” including the revelation that Adam Levine doesn’t think people know how planes work. I just sort of picture Levine as the guy from Patton Oswalt’s “sky cake” bit, going along with what he is told and sopping all the adoration he can.
She also proceeds to provide a few other options People could’ve chosen including Idris Elba and Alan Alda, both fine choices. I figured the least I could do is throw a few more onto the pile for discussions sake.
Soon to be reality star Rob Ford literally oozes sexiness. Like seriously, don’t let him use your bathroom.
Andy Kaufman’s Re-Animated Corpse
Since he’s still alive and all.
You know how the Oscars will give someone an award once they’ve reached a certain age? Like a gimme? It’s been 20 years since Nolte was sexiest and it’s clear that we could throw a dog a bone here.
With his vintage sex photos stolen, Nic Cage sexiness is back in the headlines. People could strike while the iron is hot and might even get a nibble on the location in time for publication.
Because he’s so adorably popular right now. Why does it have to be a man? Can’t it be the avenging knight of San Francisco? The awards are passe anyway!