Once again, it’s Green Week at NBC. Yes, from the people who brought you Earth Day, and Earth Hour, and Compost Week, and Drink-Your-Own-Urine Fortnight, comes a week where NBC personalities lecture you about just how wasteful and shitty a human being you are. I’m excited for random PSA’s from Hayden Panettiere where she tells me to not purchase bottled water while I mute the TV to gaze longingly at her supple hips.
Well, we at KSK are no strangers to environmental awareness. Why, just last week, I decided to start eating Velveeta again, in a brave attempt to help rid the world of all harmful BPA plastic byproducts. I also started throwing my empty beer cans directly in the forest behind my house. Some lucky centipedes now have a community of cylindrical townhomes to live in. Ecosystem: impoved.
The gents at Football Night in America also got in on the action. Tiki Barber said he was helping save the environment by using mass transit (though rumor has it he gets frustrated with the conductor and quits the train right before it reaches its destination). Cris Collinsworth said he walks to work, though I don’t know why he wouldn’t just spread his giant buzzard wings and fly in. And Keith Olbermann said his girlfriend (or hooker he ordered for the evening) makes him recycle shit. Well, thank God. These men are fucking VISIONARIES. How would our precious atmosphere survive without them doing the everyday, eco-friendly shit they probably would have done anyway?
So, in the spirit of Green Week, we again present to you all the myriad ways in which prominent NFL figures are helping to save the planet.
Joey Porter: Feeds garbage to his dogs
Travis Henry: Recycles all condoms
Tatum Bell: Buys none of his own clothes
Ben Roethlisberger: Doesn’t buy books
Joe Flacco: Stares down global warming when he drops back
Chris Hovan: Overpursues environmental agenda
William Clay Ford: Burns tires
Terrell Owens: Only bathes in organic popcorn
Jerry Jones: Now only holds extramarital affairs via company hang glider
Kurt Warner: Thanks Gaia, Spirit of the Earth, after key first down
Donovan McNabb: Did not know there was global warming. WHEN DID THIS SHIT HAPPEN?!
Keith Olbermann: Plans very important, overly melodramatic “special comment”, berating all of you for failing to save the planet, then will take private plane to exclusive dolphin-grilling brothel/restaurant
Al Davis: Denies existence of climate crisis, then denies existence of planet itself
Warren Moon: Beats wife only using biodegradable soap in hemp sock
Eagles and Bengals: Play so poorly that you’re convinced you won’t miss the world once it’s gone
Brady Quinn: Plans to harness vast energy expended to vigorously hide homosexuality
Tiki Barber: Uses teeth to provide much needed light source
Willis McGahee: Convinces industrial sector to follow his example and underproduce waste
Emmitt Smith: Will pull up all the stocks to beat climax change
Daunte Culpepper: Plans to stop consuming 55% of world’s food supply
Hines Ward: WHIRR WOLK HODDER IN LICE PADDIES! YOU RAZY MERICANS NO WOLK HOD!
Brett Favre: Will cause massive oil slick, then be praised by Peter King for cleaning up half of it
Mike Singletary: Will angrily give Congress “the red eye”
Reggie Bush: Will use girlfriend’s ass for energy-saving insulation
Your suggestions in the comments. Join us, won’t you? Together, we can make empty gestures to save the Earth and then spend a disproportionate amount of time congratulating ourselves for it.