Jets Sign Chris Johnson, Become The Scariest Team of 2010

04.16.14 4 years ago 67 Comments

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Yesterday, the New York Jets made a big splash when they signed running back Chris Johnson, who was released by the Tennessee Titans earlier this month. Between the Johnson signing, and last month’s acquisition of Michael Vick, the Jets have made enormous strides in their quest to become the scariest NFL team of 2010.

“We’re unstoppable,” Jets coach Rex Ryan said. “I mean, all we have to do is invent a machine that can somehow recover the agility and athleticism than Johnson and Vick had four years ago, and the Super Bowl is ours. That technology exists, right?” Upon being told that said technology was not yet available, Ryan became nervous and defensive. “Are you sure, I’m pretty sure I saw that on Futurama once…that show is a documentary, right?”

Moves like this are not unprecedented in the Jets recent history. In 2010, they doggedly pursued a 2006 Super Bowl by bringing LaDainian Tomlinson, and in 2012, they became the front-runners for the 2008 NCAA National Championship when they signed Tim Tebow. They had originally planned to market themselves as The New York Yankees Of Four Years Ago, until they realized that the Yankees current roster includes Alfonso Soriano, Ichiro Suzuki, and Brian Roberts, so the Yankees are the Yankees or four years ago.

According to Jets general manager John idzik, the Johnson signifies their commitment to pragmatism. “Look, we’re the Jets,” Idzik said. “And the Jets never win anything, so we figure we might as well sign players that would have won us a title if wed signed them four years earlier, just to give our fans a faint notion of what winning feels like.” Idzik also inquired about the availability of Alert Haynesworth, saying that it “seems like he has a few good years left.”

When told that the Giants had signed Josh Freeman to a one-year, he became enraged. “What?! Those sniveling little rat bastards did WHAT?! Oh, they’ll fucking pay for this. That 2010 ring is mine, you hear me, Mara, MINE!!!”

Jets owner Woody Johnson approves of the Johnson and Vick signings, saying he believes it’ll put the team on the right track. “Oh, yeah, I definitely think we’re the best team in the league now,” Johnson said. “But if you’ll excuse me, i have to run, I have a Christine O’Donnell fundraiser to go to. One more thing, though, have you heard of this Mike Posner kid? I think he’s gonna be the next big thing.”

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