Just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in

04.21.10 8 years ago 59 Comments

Sorry pal, that’s verboten too.

Today NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell informed Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger that he has been suspended for six games for violating the law being a big jerk. Reportedly the suspension may be reduced to four games, provided Roethlisberger meets certain league-mandated conditions. KSK consulted its inside sources and came up with what is believed to be a comprehensive list of the prerequisites for Big Ben’s reinstatement:

  • Ixnay on the Aperay
  • From now on, DTF stands for “Don’t Touch, Fella”
  • Only round of shots he’s permitted to buy are feline distemper shots at the Milledgeville Humane Society
  • Must release the ball within 2.5 seconds of snap (Mike Tomlin’s insisted this one be included)
  • No alcohol consumption (except during 2-for-1 happy hour at Bennigan’s, the one place that even Goodell’s jurisdiction cannot reach)
  • Must show Goodell and DeMaurice Smith his gray dick and has to ignore subsequent giggles
  • Must attend counseling
  • Mustn’t sexually assault his counselor
  • No wearing graphic t-shirts in public, they send a slightly demonic and douchey message
  • Must perform 300 hours of community service (“community service” = washing Roger Goodell’s Lincoln Town Car)
  • Must pretend to be enthusiastic when his fat ass gets traded to Oakland
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