Just When You Think Joey Porter Has Paid You Back, It’s Time to Pay You Back Again

11.18.08 9 years ago 38 Comments

I tell you Patriots, we got UNFINISHED BUSINESS. When you cross Joey Porter, there forms a grudge that festers until I deliver retribution tenfold upon you. YOU’VE ONLY GOTTEN ONEFOLD OF THE RETRIBUTION SO FAR! YOU AIN’T DONE YET!

Joey Porter has always been called a hothead and I do tend to talk. But I have been mellowed by the wisdom of age. Being a father has given me a lot of perspective. I try to teach my son the lessons of his father, that in this life there’s nothing more important THAN RESPECT! AND HALF-SHIRTS! YOU GOTTA HAVE THOSE! THEY SHOW OFF YOUR POPCORN MUSCLES LIKE NOTHING ELSE!

My son knows when he gets out of line I FIX HIS MOUF WIF SOAP! But he also knows I got his back when people don’t show him RESPECT!

Just the other week, I was watching at his pee-wee game and the other coach kept starters in when their team was up 27-0. Then they scored again. He ran up the score on my kid. He pulled a motherfucking Belchick on my son. Joey Porter AIN’T HAVING THAT SHIT.

I walked up to him, kindly explained my objection, noted the age of the participants, made a level-headed plea for sanity. THEN I REELED BACK AND SOCKED HIS ASS IN THE MOUF. THEN I SLASHED HIS FUCKING TIRES! I EVEN LET MY KID SLASH ONE! THAT’S IMPORTANT LIFE EXPERIENCE!

So it’s crucial that I continue my advice giving to the Patriots this Sunday. My son got to know that no perceived slight can go without being repeatedly and excessively punished. All’s a man’s got in his RESPECT and his MOUF!

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