09.07.11 6 years ago 38 Comments

Matt Ryan snub.

We’re back with the second half of this year’s essential Prekkake. If you read Ape’s AFC primer last week you are in the right place. If not, go here and come back. PLEASE COME BACK, the NFC is important too.

On to the nonsense!

NFC East



OK, change the name, change the logo, change the colors. I don’t care as long as you make this go away forever.

Key Additions: [deep breath] Ryan Kerrigan, Jarvis Jenkins (out for the year), Stephen Bowen, Barry Cofield, Oshiomogho Atogwe, Jabar Gaffney, Josh Wilson, Chris Chester, Tim Hightower, Roy Helu, Leonard Hankerson

Key Departures: Donovan McNabb, Kid Bro Sweets, Fat Al, Carlos Rogers, Philip Daniels, Andre Carter

A Few Fast Facts About The Redskins:

-Colin Powell will serve as honorary Redskins captain on September 11th. Rudy Giuliani will show up to captain the Giants, even though nobody asked him to.

-This is the most disturbing cake I’ve seen this week. Fact.

-Mike Sellers ran track in high school. I imagine he excelled in the hurdles.

Over/Under for 2011: 6.5

Verdict: UNDER. Who needs a depth on the offensive line when you have your choice of Rex Grossman or John Beck? The Redskins, probably.


Key Additions: Tyron Smith, Kenyon Coleman, DeMarco Murray, Derrick Dockery

Key Departures: Marion Barber, Andre Gurode, Roy Williams, Leonard Davis, Marc Colombo

A Few Fast Facts About The Cowboys:

-With regards to his brother’s foot fetish, Rob Ryan said, “I’m sure I’m worse than he is.” Adult baby syndrome seems like a good bet.

-Jason Garret’s iPod is filled with NPR podcasts.

-Tony Romo really spent his bachelor party playing hide-and-seek with his friends. We didn’t even have to make that up. Although if we had, we would have made it up about Eli Manning.

Over/Under for 2011: 9

Verdict: PUSH. Nine sounds about right. God willing it won’t be enough for the playoffs.



Key Additions: Nnamdi Asomugha, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, Vince Young, Ronnie Brown, Superman, Cullen Jenkins, The Incredible Hulk, Steve Smith, Jason Babin

Key Departures: Kevin Kolb, Stewart Bradley, Quintin Mikell

A Few Fast Facts About The Eagles:

-I’ve seen this episode of House. Jeremy Maclin has lupus.

-Starting right guard Danny Watkins has said that his transition to the NFL has been “definitely overwhelming.” Watkins is one of three offensive linemen who will be making their first career start this week. Dream Team.

-Mike Vick is going to break.

Over/Under for 2011: 10.5

Verdict: UNDER. Ten on the dot. I mean, they can’t possibly overachieve, right? Definitely. Full confidence in this one.


Key Additions: Prince Amukamara (injured), Marvin Austin (out for the year), David Baas

Key Departures: Shaun O’Hara, Steve Smith, Kevin Boss, Barry Cofield

A Few Fast Facts About The Giants:

-Eli Manning gave The Smurfs three thumbs up after borrowing the left thumb of a visibly irritated Abby Manning.

-Brandon Jacobs is still pretty bad for some reason.

-Tom Coughlin is starting to loosen up a bit. During training camp he allowed veterans their choice between two flavors of generic gelatin dessert, assuming they finished their vegetables of course.

Over/Under for 2011: 9.5

Verdict: UNDER. They lost too much, and Eli Manning is average. 8-8.

NFC North



Key Additions: Derek Sherrod, Randall Cobb, Alex Green

Key Departures: Nick Barnett, Cullen Jenkins

A Few Fast Facts About The Packers:

-Aaron Rodgers has a tremendous mustache. Learn more about it here.

-Mike McCarthy eats a dozen hard boiled eggs every afternoon whether he’s hungry or not.

-Jordy is a really terrible name. No need for that at all.

Over/Under for 2011: 11.5

Verdict: OVER. Ryan Grant returns, the Packers win 12.



Key Additions: Roy Williams (please hold your laughter until all names have been read), Marion Barber, The Bear Jew, Brandon Meriweather

Key Departures: Tommie Harris, Daniel Manning, and Olin Kreutz

A Few Fast Facts About Da Bears:

-Matt Forte isn’t getting a contract extension anytime soon. Same for you, Lance Briggs.

-Briggs loves comics so much that his comic book social networking site uses Comic Sans whenever possible.

-Much like Jay Cutler, black bears are typically shy, easily frightened, and possess a keen sense of smell.

Over/Under for 2011: 8.5

Verdict: UNDER. Something about Cutler to Williams screams .500.


Key Additions: Donovan McNabb, Christian Ponder, Kyle Rudolph, Michael Jenkins, Remi Ayodele, Charlie Johnson

Key Departures: Sidney Rice, Land Baron, Pat Williams, Ray Edwards, Mr. Fatass, Ben Leber

A Few Fast Facts About The Vikings:

-A poll of attendees at the Minnesota State Fair found little support for state involvement in any potential Vikings stadium deal. So enjoy Los Angeles, Adrian Peterson.

-Chad Greenway named his daughter Maddyn. BOOM!

-Erin Henderson is expected to start alongside his older brother EJ at linebacker. I’m not how long it’s been since something like that happened. A while, probably. Ask STATS Inc. if you’re so curious.

Over/Under for 2011: 7

Verdict: UNDER. Something about McNabb to anyone screams sub-.500.


Key Additions: Nick Fairley, Titus Young, Eric Wright, Stephen Tulloch

Key Departures: Nobody worth mentioning. Continuity!

A Few Fast Facts About The Lions:

-Ndamukong Suh is going to destroy Matt Stafford in practice. I mean really fuck him up.

-That last one was more of a prediction than a fact. I stand by it.

-The Lions play the Packers on Thanksgiving. That’s an excellent excuse for not talking to elderly dinner guests.

Over/Under for 2011: 7.5

Verdict: OVER. Because who am I to argue with conventional wisdom?

NFC South

New Orleans Saints


Gumbo dog beat out this picture of a bulldog in a Saints mask by the slimmest of margins.

Key Additions: Darren Sproles, Mark Ingram, Olin Kreutz, Shaun Rogers, Aubrayo Franklin, Cameron Jordan

Key Departures: Reggie Bush, Jonathan Goodwin, Darren Sharper, Remi Ayodele

A Few Fast Facts About The Saints:

-In the event of an emergency secure your oxygen mask before assisting Tiny Darren.

-Mark Ingram is going to dominate behind a physical offensive line. You did draft him on all of your fantasy teams, didn’t you?

-It’s so much easier cheering for the Saints when you forget about Tom Benson and his parasol.

Over/Under for 2011: 10

Verdict: OVER. They’ve won more than that in each of the last two seasons, and they seem to be maintaining pretty well.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers


Easily one of the finest garments ever conceived.

Key Additions: Adrian Clayborn, Da’Quan Bowers, Mason Foster

Key Departures: Barrett Ruud, Cadillac Williams, Stylez G. White

A Few Fast Facts About The Bucs:

-Josh Freeman had a higher quarterback rating than Peyton or Matty Ice last year. Of course they both beat him out in total quarterback rating. Because ESPN is RACIST.

-Tanard Jackson remains under suspension for smoking some weed. Aqib Talib tried to shoot somebody, but he’s ready to suit up.

-I really want that jacket.

Over/Under for 2011: 8


Atlanta Falcons

I’ve used it before, and I’ll use it again.

Key Additions: Julio Jones, Ray Edwards

Key Departures: Harvey Dahl, Michael Jenkins

A Few Fast Facts About The Falcons:

-If Julio Jones drops a ball this season Jon Gruden will harp on it at length.

-I still don’t know the identity of the girl in the Jones t-shirt. Let’s fix that.

-Matt Ryan was recently married to his longtime girlfriend, Sarah Marshall. I hope he knows that Aldous Snow already ruined her.

Over/Under for 2011: 10.5

Verdict: JULIOVER. I’m not proud of that.

Carolina Panthers


You should really knock next time.

Key Additions: Cam Newton, Greg Olsen, Legedu Naanee, Max Jean-Gilles, Olindo Mare

Key Departures: John Kasay

A Few Fast Facts About The Panthers:

-Jerry Richardson’s football playing robot is nearing completion.

-The rest of these facts will be robot related.

-Its robo-skin can feel, but it is impervious to ink.

-Steve Smith purchased a large robot insurance policy shortly after breaking his hand on the back of the prototype’s head.

Over/Under for 2011: 4.5

Verdict: UNDER. Like how Cam Newton’s completion percentage will be under 45.

NFC West

San Francisco 49ers


And we lived through none of them.

Key Additions: Tavares Gooden, David Akers, Braylon Edwards, Jonathan Goodwin, Colin Kaepernick, Donte Whitner, Madieu Williams

Key Departures: Aubrayo Franklin, Nate Clements, Takeo Spikes, David Baas, Joe Nedney

A Few Fast Facts About The 49ers:

-Alex Smith wants to remind everyone that he went number one overall, so Andrew Luck might turn out kind of shitty too.

-Colin Kaepernick excelled in Punt, Pass, and Kick competitions like other notable athletes before him.

-San Francisco’s fullback is named Moran. He should really get a brain.

Over/Under for 2011: 7.5

Verdict: UNDER. But not bad enough for Luck. Thanks, defense and soft schedule.

St. Louis Rams

Key Additions: Mike Sims-Walker, Harvey Dahl, Cadillac Williams, Jerious Norwood, Quintin Mikell, Ben Leber, Brady Poppinga, Zac Diles, Justin Bannan, Al Harris

Key Departures: Oshiomogho Atogwe, Larry Grant, David Vobora, Mark Clayton, Daniel Fells, Mike Karney, Clifton Ryan

A Few Fast Facts About The Rams:

-No other cut of rib can match the excellence of St. Louis. Baby backs are bullshit ribs.

Gates BBQ of St. Louis makes a damn fine dry rub. Gates BBQ is in Kansas City. I’m dumb, but their rub is still delicious on a smoked pork shoulder. Apparently Maull makes the good shit in St. Lou. Or just make your own rub. It’s pretty easy.

-I have run out of things to say about the Rams without saying a single thing about them. SAM BRADFORD!

Over/Under for 2011: 7.5

Verdict: OVER. Eh, they can probably win 8. Sure, they play the Ravens, Steelers, Packers, and Saints. But remember, they also play the NFC West.

Seattle Seahawks

Obligatory Image Via

Key Additions: Tarvaris Jackson, Sidney Rice, Robert Gallery, James Carpenter, John Moffitt, Zach Miller, Alan Branch, Jimmy Wilkerson

Key Departures: Matt Hasselbeck, Sean Locklear, Chris Spencer, Lofa Tatupu, Lawyer Milloy, Jordan Babineaux

A Few Fast Facts About The Seahawks:

-So what if Peter Carroll’s Week 1 gameplan is a bit shaky? You should see the Halloween prank he’s working on. It’s epic, bro.

-Jerry Richardson’s football robots are no match for Paul Allen’s robot army.

-Some general managers try to raid good teams in free agency. Not John Schneider. Not his style.

Over/Under for 2011: 6.5

Verdict: UNDER. A return trip to the playoffs seems unlikely.

Arizona Cardinals


Key Additions: Chester Taylor, Kevin Kolb, Todd Heap, Patrick Peterson, Daryn Colledge, Jeff King, Stewart Bradley, Vonnie Holliday, David Carter, Floyd Womack

Key Departures: Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, Steve Breaston, Alan Faneca, Tim Hightower

A Few Fast Facts About The Buzzsaw:

-Larry Fitzgerald’s new contract is worth $20 million more (guaranteed) than Chris Johnson’s. That seems about right.

-Darnell Docket would rape a teammate if he thought it would increase his Klout score.

-Patrick Peterson is good for at least one win by himself.

Over/Under for 2011: 6.5

Verdict: OVER. Legit 51% chance of them winning 7 games.

Holy shit, this means it’s football time.

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