KSK 2012 NFL Prekkake: Chicago Bears

08.06.12 5 years ago 34 Comments

Flawed but initially competent, the Bears started 7-3 in 2011. Then Jay Cutler went down and Chicago wilted under the life-snuffing collective suck waves of Caleb Hanie and Josh McCown. Since then, the Bears at long last canned general manager Jerry Angelo and finally got itself a halfway decent, albeit unhinged, wide receiver.

Five Fast Facts About The Bears:

– Mike Tice’s offensive system will take the name “Shartyball”.

– Jay Cutler uses the whiskers on the side of his face to detect the incoming pass rush. Because Jay Cutler is a cat.

– By now, one knows not to kick to Hester. The Bears know it’s about as productive to throw to him, too.

– If Brian Urlacher and Jenny McCarthy have a kid, it’s less likely to be vaccinated because of McCarthy’s beliefs than the fact that Urlacher will call the kid a pussy for getting them.

– Marion Barber retired in March. The more graceful thing to do would have been bowing out as soon as he gave that game to Tebow last year.

Notable acquisitions: Brandon Marshall, Jason Campbell, Michael Bush, Shea McClellin, Kelvin Hayden

Notable departures: Caleb Hanie, Roy Williams, Frank Omiyale, Brandon Meriweather, Amobi Okoye

Vegas win total over/under: 8.5 wins

KSK verdict: OVER

Fantasy player you’ll want to dig at with rusty hooks: Matt Forte

Now that he’s finally being compensated commensurate to his output, Matt Forte will almost certainly get hurt and miss significant time this season. The troll gods would have nothing less.

Fan forecast, by Yahoo! Sports blogger Maggie Hendricks:

With Brandon Marshall and Jay Cutler reunited, all is happy in Bearland. Seriously, Cutler’s smile at the press conference announcing Marshall to the Chicago media convinced me Cutty has feelings. With a receiver who can actually run routes and an offensive coordinator who doesn’t have a maniacal inner-laugh every time Cutler is sacked, Cutler just may be the quarterback Chicago thought they were getting when trading for him.

Best-case scenario: Super Bowl win

Yes, that seems like a best-case scenario on the waaaaay too optimistic side, but Lovie Smith has been given every tool he needs to win. Lovie Smith got to stick around even after Jerry Angelo got the boot, and you get the feeling the Bears brass is no longer OK with divisional championships. It’s Super Bowl or bust.

Worst-case scenario: Pain

The Bears have two Achilles Heels, which is technically impossible since Achilles was held up by one, but whatever. Two weak spots: the offensive line and the age of the defense. The line allowed 49 sacks in 2011, and left tackle J’Marcus Webb was manhandled on a daily basis. Brian Urlacher, Julius Peppers, Lance Briggs and Charles Tillman are all in their 30s. Urlacher’s knee is already showing signs of wonkiness, and every tweet about his knee has caused gasps around Chicago. The most frightening fear living in the back of the minds of Bears fans is that every injury, sack and terrible thing will happen to the Bears at once. They won’t make the playoffs, Lovie will talk his way into keep his job, and Cutler’s give-a-fuck levels will fall into the negative.

Or maybe that’s just me.

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