KSK 2013 NFL Prekkake: Jacksonville Jaguars

08.05.13 4 years ago 45 Comments


Last year: 2-14, last place in AFC South

Acquisitions: Luke Joeckel, Denard Robinson, Marcus Trufant, Mohamed Massaquoi, Justin Forsett

Departures: Eben Britton, Dawan Landry, Terrance Knighton, Aaron Ross, Laurent Robinson

Vegas 2013 win total over/under: 5 wins

Verdict: UNDER


The five types of Baguars:

– Paper baguar

– Plastic baguar

– Canvas baguar

– Eco-friendly reusable baguar

– Dime baguar

Fan forecast, with @BurritoBrosShit:

HOLLLLLLLLLLLLLY SHIT, Y’ALL. I AM SO STOKED FOR ANOTHER SEASON OF JAGUARS FOOTBALL! /sprays teal spray paint into paper bag /huffs paint

Man. That was a long f*cking season. Just when you thought the Jaguars couldn’t find another way to lose in a demoralizing fashion, they end up finding one. If the Marquis De Sade had a favorite NFL team, he’d have picked the 2012 Jacksonville Jaguars.

Let’s see how the Jaguars failed on the field last year:

1. They hired this guy.

2. They insisted on starting this guy.

3. Replaced that guy with this guy.

4. Started this guy at defense.

5. And then this guy got hurt.

6. Finally, in the middle of all that, this guy got fired. F*ck you, indeed.

So that’s basically what happened on the field.

If you thought that was bad, somehow it got worse off the field. The Jaguars were moved to Los Angeles. Then the Jaguars were moved to London. Then the Jaguars were moved to the Moon. Then the Jaguars were moved to Mars. Just like Van Halen in the 80s, if you lived in place with a population greater than 10 people, the Jaguars were going to be your new hometown team.

Special shoutout to Jason La Canfora. After spending several million dollars on stadium improvements that will include new scoreboards, several pools (POOLS. SWIMMING POOLS MOTHERFUCKER), and various other stadium projects that only ensure the team stay in Jacksonville, La Cantfuckingwriteforshit tweeted this gem:

HURRRRRRRR DURRRRRRRRRRR “Hit me back around ‘21” DURRRRRRRR I’ll hit your mom back around ‘21. Asshole.

But moving the Jaguars to London wasn’t the biggest problem of the offseason. Timothy J, Tebow. Tim. Te. Bow. A son of The Philippines St. Johns County Jacksonville, Tebow was thought to be the savior of the Jaguars. In the eyes of those who have must have watched way too many Hallmark movies, Tebow was the hometown hero that was just a dabgum winner. The guy just flat out wins. Won in high school. Won in college. Won in some of his NFL starts! WINNER. CAN’T SPELL WIN WITHOUT TEBOW! Noted Jacksonvillian, Fred Durst was asked, by me of course, whether or not he was interested in joining me at a tailgate (I did it all for the nookie. Chicks still dig Fred Durst, bro). Here was his response.


F*ck you, Fred Durst. Chocolate Starfish sucked, bro.

Thankfully, new General Manager David Caldwell put the Tebow talk to bed at his very first press conference:

Our reaction, as imaginable, was muted.

So… That was last season and the offseason. How do I feel about this season? Mehhhhhhhh… Talent-wise, the Jaguars aren’t a wasteland. MJD is still a viable NFL RB and the receiving corps is more full than it has been in several seasons. The offensive line is newly reinforced and the Jaguars will be the first team to employ an OFFENSIVE WEAPON in the guise of Denard Robinson. The defense is young, but the talent has shown flashes and Gus ‘DO YOUR JOB’ Bradley has shown to be a defensive mind worthy of an NFL head coaching position. That leads me to the QB corps

Once again, Blaine Gabbert and Chad Henne will be given the chance to compete for the job, but to be honest, it doesn’t particularly matter who starts. Gabber has the better arm, but has shown poor decision making. Henne makes good decisions (SOMETIMES) and is more than capable of throwing to the check-down, but does not have the arm. Soooooooooooooooooooo. Shit.

For fantasy purposes, I’d stick to MJD and maybe some of the better receiving targets on the Jaguars like Marcedes Lewis and Cecil Shorts III. Depending on how the defense plays early on in the season, I would consider making a waiver claim.

I’m guessing the Jaguars will win five(?) games this year. The division is still led by Houston followed by Indy with Tennessee and Jacksonville left to gum their way to third. It’s difficult to say how bad or good this team will be as the QB position is so nebulous. Who knows, maybe the Jaguars may pull something out and you’ll see something you won’t expect. Maybe we’ll still be bad enough that Drew and all the other hacks can keep making the same tired jokes about the team. F*ck you.


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