08.21.14 3 years ago 25 Comments


Last year: 11-5, first place in AFC South

Acquisitions: Hakeem Nicks, D’Qwell Jackson, Phil Costa, Colt Anderson (only because his name makes him a literal “horseshoe guy”), Arthur Jones

Departures: Darrius Heyward-Bey, “Goddamnit” Donald Brown, Jeffrey Linkenbach, Antoine Bethea, Mike McGlynn

Drug related departures: LaVon Brazill

Drug related acquisitions: Irsay found a guy with access to those Lemmon ludes popularized in the Scorcese flick.

Vegas 2014 win total over/under: 9.5 wins

Verdict: OVER Will feed on Keenumbortleslocker-led teams. Early playoff exit.

Tweet to revisit from last season if you forgot how to get sinewy, side-cocked ballcap, nightmare fuel:

Five ways we can expect Lord Rog to discipline Jim Irsay’s drug-soaked joyride(s):

– Fans get to vote on first five scripted plays.

– Must create drug abuse awareness bracelets. Motto: #THISSHITSSTRONG

– Never allowed to play Chiefs again.

– Have to admit that the CFL was totally allowed to use the name.

– none

Place in this video you shouldn’t start watching from unless you enjoy off-key improvised lyrics about winning more championships preceded by a monstrous growl: 6:39

Fan forecast by Leapin_Lizards:

Every year I like the Colts team more and more, not for what the team does in the community, the growth and maturity of players or the addition of mid-level talent on our offensive line (seriously, can we just take ANYONE from Alabama? Anyone? I don’t care if it’s Ole Dontrell “Stumpy”, Willis the 4’11” one legged nose tackle dummy holder. TAKE HIM. FUCK. If I have to learn one more mid-major white person’s name on our offensive line I’m going to scream. Do you know how it feels to be HAPPY when you sign Gosder Cherilus, knowing full well that he’s not good at what he does? Do you?)

No, the reason I like the team more and more every year is because it means more football TV personalities die, meaning there are less people to talk about the “post-Peyton era”. Listen, I love Peyton Manning. He’s a close personal friend. But Peyton Manning ripped my heart out more than Terri from the grade below me in high school (hi slut!). He choked more often than War Machine on date night. Peyton Manning has become a figure like Jesus or Nat King Cole – he definitely existed, but his body of work isn’t nearly as impressive as your mom thinks.

So let’s begin with one simple fact – Andrew Luck is better than Peyton Manning. Fuck you, it’s true. He just gets better and better and doesn’t show any of the self-defeatism that Pey-Pey showed all too often. Sure he hasn’t won the Super Bowl yet, but Peyton only won it once, in the rain against Sex Cannon. Andrew Luck will win 55 Super Bowls before his 30th birthday. That’s just a plain scientific fact.

On Offense our line still stinks. Trent Richardson stinks. That was a terrible trade and the thought that we could have had Marcus Smith, who is someone I’ve never heard of but apparently is a real person that was taken in the first round, just makes me sick. But here’s the thing – did you see Trent Richardson’s pre-draft interview where he said “no one’s taking the food from my daughter’s mouth” when asked what drives him? That was awesome. I’ll give him another 2 seasons as starter just for that video.

Our WR core is the best in the league. SHUT UP, you know it’s true. We have all the elements of a dominant WR core, or Lethal Weapon 3. Hot shot cagey veteran (Reggie Wayne), hot shot insane person (Hakeem Nicks in the Mel Gibson role) and hot shot youngster out to prove he belongs (TY Hilton). Plus we have Coby Fleener and Dwayne Allen, catching TEs who can’t block, but it doesn’t matter because no one on our team can block. The Colts will rush for 83 yards per game total, they will fall behind by 2 touchdowns and none of it matters because Andrew Luck is better than RG3 and will play for 30 years and throw bad interceptions but then throw awesome touchdowns and win games so we can be happy and go get nachos for the night game.

Our defense gets better each year. That is what I tell myself every year and then we give up 300 yards rushing to the Jaguars. Oh well, at least we added Arthur Jones (who is good) and D’Qwell Jackson, who is a hell of a lot more intimidating than Pat Angerer and by that I mean he’s black.

Coach Pagano is awesome. I can’t point to any specific examples that he is a great coach but he beat cancer. HE BEAT CANCER AND SPAWNED A HASHTAG. I’d like to see Jim Harbaugh beat cancer. What? I’m not wishing cancer on him, I’m wishing he perseveres through adversity, Jesus, calm down.

Our owner is amazing. Not only does he pop scrips, but he also does it in a Nissan Pathfinder. Think about that – he’s worth more than a BILLION dollars and got busted for prescription drugs in a car your dad can afford, well he could if he’d get over his back problems by taking more prescription drugs and stop scamming the insurance company.

So no matter what that fat Bill Simmons Acolyte P.O.S. Bill Barnwell writes in his passive-aggressive articles about the Colts regressing each year (Do you even lift Barnwell?), the Colts just get better and better. The Colts will win 12 games. The Colts will advance to the AFC Finals and the Colts will then lose to the Patriots. It’s the circle of life in the land of corn fields, Fat Humps taking forever at drive-thrus, un-ironic kicker jerseys, and the man who will save us all, Andrew Luck.

Go Colts.

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