I know we’re a football blog, but this morning something came across our desk that was so explosive, so stunning, that we had to share it with you. That’s right. We at KSK are the first media source to have full access to the Mitchell Report. Here now is your first look at its full, unedited contents.
13th of December, Two Thousand And Seven
To Whom It May Concern:
After two years of exhaustive research on the Mitchell Report, we have reached the following conclusions:
- Scott Mitchell, former quarterback for the Dolphins, Lions, Ravens, and Bengals, fucking sucked. I mean, he really really really sucked. I mean, there was that one year in Detroit where Herman Moore caught all his errant passes. But otherwise, man, did he blow rhinoceros dong.
- We have also concluded that Scott Mitchell looks like a big stupid pile of shit. Just take a look at him. “Durrrrrrr…” What a goon. He’s probably got all the cognitive skills of a fucking Pop Warner equipment manager. He doesn’t even look like he could sort shapes, much less run a pro offense. I bet he puts his shirt on backwards every morning.
- We have also concluded that only the Lions would have been dumb enough to hand this uncoordinated asshole a $5 million bonus. All because he was tall. Jesus.
- We have also concluded that he may have been gay. One time, he spent ten minutes in the team whirlpool with Johnnie Morton. We think there may have been footsie.
- We have tracked Mitchell down at his home in rural Utah. Last week, he took out the trash. He probably fucked that up as well. Loser.
- There are no steroids in football. And if Scott Mitchell had taken them, it would have just made him even clumsier in the pocket. He was like Richard Kiel back there. Just thinking about him trying to field a shotgun snap makes me want to run a mezzaluna across my throat.
- Fuck Scott Mitchell.