09.04.14 3 years ago 38 Comments
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Oh, hello, NFL. We’ve been waiting for you. Nice to have you back. Let’s talk about fantasy, shall we?

Hey, Matt,
Sex/Love: It’s been almost a year since my last email, but here we go again. I’m happy to say I’ve been loving my Japan assignment.

So, this mailbag typically answers about 4-5 emails every week. That’s more than 200 people per year. It would be super-helpful, dear repeat emailers, to include a link to the last time we chatted. But I’ll try to keep up.

I’ve been here almost a year now, and it’s been great experiencing a new culture, traveling to new places, and trying to enjoy everything an overseas tour has to offer.

When I first moved here, I dated a couple girls I met at local clubs. They were okay for a little while, but the language barrier definitely made having any sort of deep relationship extremely difficult. About four months ago, I met an American girl who’s here teaching English at some Japanese schools in Tokyo. We hit it off really well, and it’s to the point now where we mutually love each other, have an awesome sex life, and genuinely enjoy spending time together. Things are great!

The issue is the kids conversation has come up. She wants kids, and I don’t….I’ll elaborate a little because I feel it’s important.

Keeping this as brief as possible, I got a vasectomy about 18 months ago. I don’t hate kids, but I have some genetic predispositions in my family history that I don’t want to pass on.

Ooohhh, such intrigue! Are you related to Hitler?

I feel so strongly about it, that I decided to take the plunge and make sure I couldn’t pass them on. I don’t regret the decision.

Flash forward to present relationship…I was very upfront with my girlfriend regarding the vasectomy. I let her know on our third date, the first time sexy time occurred. At that time, it was a non-issue, probably because the relationship was so new that it didn’t really sink in. When we became more serious, the kids thing came up for real. I told her my reasoning for the vasectomy, and that I wouldn’t be opposed to having kids via alternative methods (adoption, fertility clinic, etc.), but genetic kids between us was not possible. She was upset by this, so much so, I thought we might break up on the spot. We didn’t….and the topic was pushed to the back burner, but it’s really just a demon waiting to poke its head out again.

Are you kidding? Not talking about problems makes them go away!

I think the obvious thing is for us to just break it off, but everything else about the relationship is so perfect that I hang onto this notion that maybe she’ll realize that a life with me and potentially adopted kids and/or pets can be fulfilling and rich enough without her having to have kids of her own. Is this crazy?

Absolutely not. I’ve met some ugly moron-kids who couldn’t hold a candle to a golden retriever.

Could she temporarily come to this decision, and then five years down the road, she decides she really wants to have her own kids and resents me for taking that option away from her?

Well, yeah. Sure. A meteor could also extinguish all life on Earth before that happens. But that’s why people in committed relationships make promises to each other and, like, sign contracts and stuff: to enforce the “no-takebacks” clause. And so you don’t die alone during post-meteor nuclear winter, of course.

For reference, she just turned 30, and I’ll soon be 27. If nothing else, I’d love to spend my remaining 14 months in Japan with her, but this may be selfish regarding the circumstances. The fact that she is constantly telling me how happy she is in our relationship right now doesn’t make things any easier. If the kids thing were a non-issue, I could see myself marrying this girl assuming everything else is still looking rosy a year from now. Looking for guidance…

So, yeah. Talk to your girl. If everything in your relationship is kicking so much ass EXCEPT for this hitch, you guys need to face up to the issue and work it out, because her wanting kids isn’t going to become an easier topic as she gets older. May as well hammer it out now. It’ll probably be awkward and painful at times, but two adults who love each other can usu

Fantasy question: Doing a keeper league for the first time this year and I drafted Josh Gordon before the news that he would be suspended all year. Our keeper league rules only give marginal value for keepers. You can keep up to three players with each player you keep taking your first round, second round, and third round picks depending on the number of players you keep. Obviously, if you decide to only keep one or two players, they have to be pretty damn good. Guys on the keeper radar for me depending on how things shake out: Drew Brees, Alshon Jeffery, Kennan Allen, Marshawn Lynch, Andre Ellington, Joique Bell, Sammy Watkins, Josh Gordon, Carlos Hyde.

In any case, is it worth having Gordon ride the bench all season and then use him as a third round pick next year assuming I’ll be keeping three players?


It’s a 3 WR start, 10 team league: starters are Alshon Jeffery, Keenan Allen, Golden Tate….Right now, I’ve only got Sammy Watkins and Josh Gordon on the bench. I could sacrifice a bench RB to add some depth if needed or I could just say goodbye to Gordon and pick up someone who can be of use to me this year. What do you think?

-Lt Confused

Nick Stevens and I talked about this in the War Room this week. You have to get something out of a player stashed on your bench — insurance for an older RB, the promise of a Week 11 return, SOMETHING. Josh Gordon is amazing, but not amazing enough to hamstring my entire team for a year.


My dear Captain,
NFL and fantasy are back, I have a girlfriend, so let’s just get down to business:

WR: Emmanuel Sanders v IND or Brandin Cooks @ ATL?
RB: Rashad Jennings @ DET or Ben Tate @ PIT?

I’m currently leaning towards the former and happy with the depth, but of course obsessing about every minute detail as we get into week 1, woo fantasy!

I agree. Sanders over Cooks seems the safer play at WR — take the Peyton offense at home over the rookie in his first game. At RB, you’ve got two guys who were deemed RB2s in most drafts going into less than ideal games, but I like Jennings a little more than I like Tate. I’m probably wrong, because the Giants’ offense has looked terrible and I think the Browns will be better than people think, but it’s Week 1. I’m sticking with the depth chart I know for now.

And as a tribute, he’s a picture of Mary-Elizabeth Winstead looking amazing, in the hope that the next time someone hacks her phone we get juicier pictures (I of course joke, please don’t go stealing someone’s private stuff so you can post it online)

Dirt McGirt

I had only obliquely heard of Mary Elizabeth Winstead before that thing happened. I need to see more movies.


Hey Matt,
Just had my draft last night so I apologize for the late admission to the bag. I won the league last year (yes, I’m bragging) and I’m facing the person in week 1 that I faced in the championship. It would be extra nice to win so I can establish my dominance (just kidding, I got incredibly lucky last year). It’s a PPR league and I need to start 3 of these 4: A. Jeffery vs Buf, E. Sanders vs Ind (especially with Welker out), Cobb @ Sea, or Fitzgerald vs SD. Yahoo is currently projecting them all within 0.1 of each other.

You can look at it two ways: you’re in good shape regardless, or you’re fucked regardless. This is some sphinx shit where you’re screwed no matter what answer you’d give. So I’d go with ADP: Jeffery, Cobb, and Fitz — they also seem to be the most PPR-friendly wideouts.

Marriage: I’m guessing September is a really busy month at work for you and your wife. Do you still see enough of each other? If not, do you make up for it by talking on the phone during the day or do you get along just fine without much interaction?
– Dan

Yeah, with football and the school year starting, we both kind of inhabit our own separate stress orbits. But we do a pretty good job of making dinner together — or at least eating together, I’ve got a bad habit of coming home too late to help out with making it. And we still have time together on Friday night and Saturday and some piece of Sunday. We’re even going to a fashion show tomorrow night, because WE FANCY.


Dear “internet famous” person,
Several questions of varying fantasy and sex topics:

1. I am commissioner of a newly formed league that includes many close friends including my wife. I am obliged to give my wife good advice (or at least advice I would take) if asked. However, if I see something off with her roster and she doesn’t ask, I keep my mouth shut, right?

Wrong. It’s a stupid fantasy league. Take care of your wife in every aspect possible, because you still have decades to go, and you will survive those decades by doing lots of little nice things for your wife, like reminding her that so-and-so is on bye this week. I mean, all your money is her money and vice versa. So if she wins the league, great! She’s taking you to dinner!

2. Another player in the league is on his honeymoon. As a good friend, I should double check his roster to make sure that all of his players are actually playing (starters listed as either out of on IR) for him since he’s unreachable. But he didn’t ask. How much alcohol does he owe me if he wins because of my charity?

Depends on the payout. I’d guess somewhere between a six-pack and a 750ml bottle of something decent.

3. I watched the Kim Kardashian sex tape, but will not look at any of the leaked celebrity pictures, since one was clearly intentionally released and the others were stolen and I feel like the internet has already eroded enough of my soul. My question to you: should sharing and distributing material like this which is both personally damaging to the individual and obviously stolen (or at least distributed without the subject’s permission) be a legally actionable offense? Essentially, should individuals who share those pictures be, in some future legal framework, considered criminal at least at the misdemeanor level, or guilty of a tort?

Shit, that’s all heavy and mind-numbing, and I get ignorance-hives during any legal discussion. Like, I don’t know what a tort is. That’s a dessert right? “The court finds you guilty of being a delicious pastry!”

Enjoy the games, people! Football’s back!

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