Biopics are a tricky subject. For every masterpiece like Raging Bull there is some steaming pile of crap like The Babe that is hampered by bad writing and casting. Some of the most intriguing films never even make it to filming because of factual uncertainties. Fortunately we don’t have to worry about these tricky aspects of film making, because our only task is to pick the subject. Everyone in human history is fair game, save for those who have been the subject of a biopic that was released in theaters.
Let’s get started.
1. Punte- 1. Kurt Cobain
The most influential musician of the last 20 years. The movie will be nothing but drugs, nudity and great music. And it’ll end just like the first half of Boogie Nights.
And if there is a god the woman playing Courtney Love will look nothing like Courtney Love.
2. Ape- DB Cooper
Or whatever his real name is/was.
3. UM- Robert Evans
Probably best to wait until Evans dies. We wouldn’t want him trying to produce it himself.
4. Drew- GG Allin
5. CC- Roald Dahl
Children’s novelist with dark humor, yes — but also a RAF pilot in World War II. After a distinguished flying career, he was assigned to Washington D.C. as a British spy, where he laid pipe to endless A-list tail. I would watch that movie.
6. Flubby- Sam Kinison
That’s going to be one sexy casting call.
7. Flubby- Ray Mancini
Considering his Hollywood connections it’s pretty surprising that Mickey Ward beat him to the punch. Too bad Boom Boom is from Youngstown and not Lowell.
8. Harriet Tubman
If Roots taught me anything, it’s that slave owners make effective bad guys.
9. Drew- Jimi Hendrix
It’s odd that this hasn’t happened yet, aside from a TV movie starring Avon Barksdale that didn’t include any of his actual music.
10. UM- Harry Houdini
Apparently there are a couple of different versions in the early stages of development. Not for the first time either.
11. Ape- Nellie Bly
12. Punte- Warren Buffet
Only because I’m totally gay for the Buffmeister.
Make your picks in the comments, but please try to not fuck it up by drafting Ray Charles or Ed Wood. There’s only one rule. Use it.