KSK Mock Draft: Celebrity Fights

04.06.12 6 years ago 80 Comments

Like this but with people from Us Weekly.

Celebrities are always feuding, but rarely does it develop into the the bloody violence will all crave. If famous people really wanted to entertain us, they’d take their petty squabbling off of Twitter and settle things on Pay Per View where these things belong. Each round we’ll pick a pair of stars to engage in fisticuffs for the world’s viewing pleasure. This week’s draft order is as follows.

1. Flubby
2. Christmas Ape
3. Captain Caveman
4. Big Daddy Drew
5. Unsilent Majority

1. Flubby – Jerry Sandusky v. Chris Brown

One day that dog will grow up and bite his dick off. (via)

Someone would have to lose, probably Sandusky–unless he busted out some Mandlebaum strength.

2. Christmas Ape – Ray Lewis vs. Mark Wahlberg


Ray-Ray wins, obviously, but takes it too far and kills Marky Mark. He proceeds to bathe maniacally in his blood, which NFL writers explain away by saying that Ray is just an awesome competitor.

3. Captain Caveman – Wilmer Valderrama vs. Jason Statham

Fez might be in some trouble. (via)

I really don’t like Wilmer Valderrama.

4. Big Daddy Drew – Floyd Mayweather Jr. vs Manny Pacquiao

This might be a photoshop. (via)

5. Unsilent Majority – Donald Trump vs. Rosie O’Donnell

Screw the rules, this one’s going 15 rounds. (via)

First round analysis: There are three clear schools of thought for this draft. You can go with a real life feud, you can pick somebody you hate and schedule them in a distinct mismatch, or you can pick two random assholes you’d like to see pound on each other. Flubby obviously with the third option, and I don’t think many people would blame him. CC and Ape went with the mismatch strategy. Again, nothing that anyone will complain about. Drew got a bit sneaky with his pick, but damn if it isn’t the most logical one of the day. I went with what should amount to a pretty evenly matched bout between people who genuinely hate each other.

6. Unsilent Majority – Chevy Chase and Dan Harmon

Dan Harmon was wrong to make this public, and Chevy Chase is wrong about pretty much everything else. This would be a nice consolation for everyone who wishes they had witnessed Chase vs. Bill Murray.

7. Big Daddy Drew – Warwick Davis vs. Peter Dinklage

Here is a tale of the tape for this match-up.

8. Captain Caveman – Jennifer Aniston vs. Angelina Jolie

This calls for a leg wrestle. (via)


9. Christmas Ape – Gina Carano vs. Rush Limbaugh

The pictures of Rush weren’t as interesting. (via)

10. Flubby – Jaleel White vs. Donald Driver

Second round analysis: Again, I go in the direction of the real-life feud. Drew opts for some little people action, bonus points if they wear Mexican wrestling masks. CC’s pick becomes even more impressive if we can convince them to settle things in a pool of baby oil. Ape goes with the best mismatch of the draft, and Flubby goes with the most recent feud he read about.

Take your turn in the comment section, and feel free to offer up your own tale of the tape.

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