KSK Mock Draft: Celebrity you never want to hear from ever again

03.28.14 3 years ago 379 Comments

This week us folks here at KSK are drafting celebrities from any sphere of fame – that we would like to never hear about again. Not their personal issues, not their opinions, not their work (assuming they do any) not even retrospectives on their life. Just wiped out from the total public consciousness.

The field is deep, and yet somehow we only made it through two rounds, leaving lots of solid undrafted choices for you guys in the comment section.

Let’s get to the picks.

1. Eric Sollenberger selects Justin Bieber

Gotta take Bieber. He’s the obvious Andrew Luck number one overall but Jesus I’m sick of hearing about him. So the insulated millionaire child is a dick and racks up DUIs and doesn’t show any remorse during depositions? No kidding, I’d just rather not hear about it.

2. Trevor Risk selects Bill Nye

celebrity apprentice

Celebrity scientists aren’t the worst offender when it comes to making every job in America into a celebrity (science is actually useful, and we probably should admire the intellectuals out there instead of pawn shop owners or poor bastards with 300 pound scrotums), but Jesus do this guy’s followers annoy me. People who consider themselves educated actually thought that kangaroo court debate with some yahoo about evolution was going to solve some idiotic stalemate. “See! Bill Nye beat some hickory dipshit in a debate, so God is dead.” I should thank him for helping me single out who is and who is not braindead in my social media feeds. Oh you’ve made an intellectual deity out of somebody who used to be on Almost Live? Well now I know where you are on the evolutionary scale. Beakman’s World was a far superior program too.

Ed.- Beakman’s world is terrifying for a 6 year old.

3. StuScottBooyahs selects Taylor Swift

That’s right, she’s just a regular 22-year-old like you and me, just chillin’ at the pool, frolicking on the beach with her supermodel girlfriends, dancing around dressed up in designer outfits (SOOO RANDUM), and going to kicking parties straight out of a Bacardi commercial. Oh and by the way, she has the WORST LUCK with relationships, you guys. Like, seriously, it’s not even funny. LET’S GO GET WINE COOLERS AND TALK ABOUT HOW HARD IT WAS TO BE POPULAR IN HIGH SCHOOL.

When I was 22, I was eating Ramen on a busted up couch while watching South Park reruns in my studio apartment, wondering if I was going to get canned from my newspaper job the next day. CRAZY TIMES.

Ed.- Why do you have to be so mean? I totally didn’t put on a Taylor Swift playlist on youtube after typing up this pick and blast it as I was writing this post. Didn’t happen. Next question.

4. PFT Commenter selects Barack Obama


I just wish this celebrity wish hed shut up.

5. Sarah Sprague selects Kim Kardashian

The inspiration for this draft, Kim Kardashian. I don’t want to hear about her Vogue cover, I don’t want to hear about her relationship with Kanye, I don’t want to hear about her mom, her sisters, her sex tape, her ass, her kid, her wedding, her other wedding, nothing. When I see her with Kanye West all I can think is, “I wonder what it feels like to be a blank-slate human accessory” and then I feel so shitty about absolutely everything including that even I had a thought about her that frames her as a human prize that I feel incredibly rage-y. I could ignore her before, but now with his guidance and clout she is an unavoidable human foie gras that is going to make society fat and diseased to its very core.

6. Old James selects Donald Trump


Imagine a world where The Donald is incarcerated for fraud. But instead of white collar lockdown, a special cell for him is erected in the middle of Silver Dollar City as a novelty act, where tourists could fork over $5 from their fanny packs for the privilege of most literally slamming a door in his face, all day, everyday. That’s a world I’d like to live in.

7. RobotsFightingDinosaurs selects Tim Tebow


Getty Image

If this includes never hearing from him, or hearing from people talking about him, or hearing from people talking about people talking about him, and so on, it’d be the best thing to happen to sports journalism in a while.I honestly hope he’s great in his role doing analysis for the SEC network so they decide to keep him forever and us NFL fans can just forget about him.

8. Big Sandy selects Gwenyth Paltrow

Look, divorce is an often messy, painful affair, especially when there are children involve. Those feelings, too, are only magnified when you’re a celebrity in the public eye. And yet Gwyneth managed to suck all possible sympathy and empathy out of her divorce from Coldplay sad sack mope bag Chris Martin by announcing their divorce in her GOOP newsletter. And she didn’t call it a divorce but rather invented a new rich, white person euphemism – “conscious uncoupling.” Fuuuuuuuck you, Gwyneth. Not only that, but GOOP is an insufferable pile of patronizing condescending dipshittery. Oh, and the aforementioned children? You can blame their names – Apple and Moses – for the streak of ridiculous celebrity baby names.

9. Christmas Ape selects Kathy Lee Gifford


I realize that she’s easy enough to avoid as all she does these days is get drunk on network TV on weekday mornings but it continues to boggle my mind that someone who not only has no discernible talent but is also loathed by everyone is constantly employed.

10. Christmas Ape selects Peter King


My life is worth living again!

11. Big Sandy selects Ellen


Yes, what she’s done for the gay community is great and now all our moms are totally cool with it because Ellen’s just so nice, right? And maybe that’s the biggest advance: not hating on Ellen because of her sexuality but because her cloying pandering is simply grating – really, really grating. Exhibit A: that stupid Oscar selfie.

12. RobotsFightingDinosaurs selects Michelle Bachmann

I can usually tune out hateful, misguided speech, but something about Bachmann — the way she presents her thoughts, her obliviousness, her pandering — it really gets at me. Anyone who says publicly that, no, gays aren’t being bullied, the gays are bullying REAL ‘MURRCANS doesn’t deserve this kind of attention.

13. Old James selects Chris Brown


If we’re not hearing about him, that means he’s probably not being an abusive shitstain. Two birds, I say.

14. Sarah Sprague selects Lady Gaga


Getty Image

Much like how I feel about Beyonce, I cannot believe this is who we point to as feminist icons these days when all they do is play into straight-male ideals while making shitty music.

(Wait, I’m writing this on a football website? FUCK.)

15. PFT Commenter selects Michelle Obama


She thinks she can tell me what to do well guess what jokes on her i can turn my life into a real veson of SuperSize me except with copenhagen longcut and theres nothing she can do about it I’ll show her.

16. StuScottBooyahs selects Richard Sherman

What’s that? You’re the best in the game? Everyone else sucks? OK, I think everyone’s heard you. You can shut the fuck up now.

17. Trevor Risk selects Ryan Gosling


I met him once and he was a piece of shit. Sorry to burst your bubbles, but he was trying to get laid while he was dating Rachel McAdams, so all those memes about how he’s a dreamy boyfriend are baseless. Drive is just Twilight for Pitchfork readers in that it’s about a woman who did absolutely nothing but sit on her ass and mope but somehow has perfect, robotic men giving their entire lives up to the woman.

18. Eric Sollenberger selects North West


Getting in on the ground floor on this one. I’m steeling myself for a lifetime of that kid being a celebrity. It’s not going to work out because either:

a) He has two dipshits for parents who will turn him into the most arrogant person in a state filled with them (no offense Sarah) or

b) He will go through normal minor teenage screw-ups under the microscope of the media, which will create a stupid false-redemption story and/or

c) He will be lauded as an artist due to whatever 2030’s version of autotune is.

Around The Web