KSK Mock Draft: Person You’d Imprison

04.15.11 6 years ago 319 Comments

Another week down, which means it’s time for a KSK mock draft. This time we’re drafting people who deserve to be thrown in federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison. Anyone can be selected, regardless of whether or not they’ve done anything remotely illegal. I’ll let Drew get us started with the feel-good pick of the year after the jump.

1. Drew – Lloyd Blankfein

Fuck him, and fuck his cunting company. Put one of these robber baron shitheels in the clink for once.

2. Flubby – Osama Bin Laden

Memba him?

Drew: You only want him jailed? LIBRUL
Flubby: I’m counting on a Dahmeresque broom-handle shanking.

3. CC – Perez Hilton

Just because he’s an annoying shithead, and Reed’s comment about broom-handle shanking got me excited for him to die that way.

4. Punte – Barbara Streisand

Preferably via instacancer, a crippling new disease that I just made up. In lieu of colored ribbons for fundraising support, supporters will be encouraged to wear lapel pins representing oversized noses.

Flubby: In prison, not dead.
Punte: I’m keeping that pick, though. The thought of Babs in a cafeteria brawl makes me happy.

5. Ape – Tom Brady

6. UM – Joe Arpaio

Preferably in Maricopa County.

7. UM – LeBron James


8. Ape – Tony Hayward

9. Punte – Ken Lay

I love how he just conveniently died during the Bush Administration. Dead, my ass. That fucker is sitting on his own private Virgin Island.

10. Matt – Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan. I’m sick of that bitch dodging jail time.

11. Punte – Roger Clemens

I’m sure Jeff Pearlman’s undying affection is worth something…

12. Drew – Rush Limbaugh

Preferably on kiddie rape charges.

So why did Punter make three picks? No clue. The better question is why he’s so hung up on Barbara Streisand. Your turn in the comments. Have fun.

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