KSK Mock Draft: Pizza Toppings

02.15.13 5 years ago 129 Comments

A pristine blank canvas. Also my dinner last night.

We’ve been passing the time with these off-season exercises for years, and somehow we’ve never tackled the all important topic of pizza toppings. We’re starting with a basic cheese pizza as our canvas, and we’re going three rounds with one topping per round. Is it about building the perfect three topping pizza, or building three delicious one topping pizzas? Either way, really.

1. UM
2. Ape
3. Sarah
4. CC
5. Drew
6. Flubby

1. UM: Sausage

Preferably large crumbles with a nice bit of kick.

2. Ape: Pepperoni

Only ’cause you guys would frown on Skittles.

3. Sarah: Prosciutto

Salty ham, bakes well and if you’re somewhere where they have prosciutto for a topping they probably know how to make a good pizza.

4. CC: Ham

5. Drew: Anchovies

I like high blood pressure.

6. Flubby: Mushrooms

Not a vegetable.

First round recap: Everybody seemed really worried about taking vegetables in the first round. I guess that makes some sense. Vegetables can be great on pizza, but meat is the real first round material. The only real question was sausage or pepperoni with the top pick. I went with my clogged diseased heart, which upset Drew considerably (as did every other non-Drew pick in this draft). For me they are 1 and 1a. The difference being pepperoni’s inconsistency.

7. Flubby: Feta


8. Drew: Speck

9. Matt: Pineapple

Mostly just to pair with my ham, but it also goes nicely with green peppers and other vegetables.

10. Sarah: Garlic

Garlic. Fresh garlic on a delicate pie is great. Granulated garlic strengthens bland, mediocre pizza and can even make bad pizza passible as edible. Garlic salt when your out drinking late, grab a slice and want to feel even more bloated in the morning.

11. Ape: Onions

12. UM: Meatballs

Tender seasoned pieces of meatball. Why anyone would ever put regular ground beef on a pizza is beyond me.

Second round analysis: The only debate in this round centers around the very idea of Hawaiian pizza. Drew is vehemently opposed. Shocker. It’s not something most people immediately gravitate towards, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it. Drew nabs one of the truly great cured meats, although I’ve never had it on pizza. Sarah and Ape opt for some excellent complimentary alliums, while Flubby went with a complimentary cheese. I’m starting to question his carnivorism.

13. UM: Olives

Salty and briny and perfect with sausage when done right. As in, not taken out of a can.

14. Ape: Spinach

15. Sarah: Soppressata

16. CC: Green peppers

Because I don’t give a shit and this draft went poorly. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna walk over to Franny’s and get the clams, chilies, and parsley pizza.

17. Drew: Basil

18. Flubby: Bacon

Third round recap: Guess what, guys. Drew hates olives! Demon cherries is what they are. Ape picks up another veggie, although this one seems a bit less useful. Sarah follows up with the biggest steal of the draft. I’d take soppressata over any of the ham products taken in earlier rounds. I don’t know if Ufford is upset with the whole draft or just his own Raideresque picks, but he goes ahead and drafts the Daniel Baldwin of the pepper family. Drew’s basil pick is…eh, whatever. Then Flubby finally gets his meat. Everyone loves bacon, and everyone loves pizza, but the two together? Well there’s a reason it was available this late.

Go ahead and make your picks in the comments. There’s plenty of great stuff left.

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