So there’s a new TV show called “The Last Man on Earth”. [Jay Leno voice] Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? The premise is right there in the title, even though it’s a lie because there are totally other people on the show besides Will Forte. Anyway, the show is mostly just okay, but it got us to thinking what we would do if each of us were the very last person on the planet.
For the sake of avoiding icky piles of bodies, we’re assuming the rest of humanity was raptured to heaven or departed the planet on a big Mormon spaceship. If this scenario turns off the necrophile contingent of our readership, we apologize. As it is, most of our choices involved shitting on things.
Your picks in the comments.
1. PFT Commenter – I would fire all of our nucular weapons at various animals
2. RobotsFightingDinosaurs – Destroy the homes of famous American presidents with a sledgehammer
3. Big Sandy – I’d walk the earth and poop in every major sports arena.
Figure I’ll have plenty of time
4. Christmas Ape – Chisel my face into Mount Rushmore.
I could totally do it.
5. Johnny Sugar – Masturbate in every one of Jay Leno’s cars.
6. David Rappoccio – Cause as much destruction as humanly possible.
7. Eric Sollenberger – Lay around and do nothing.
I was going to be a real hard-ass and say I’d learn how to fly jets and then fly a bunch of them over kickass locations and hit the ejector seat. But in reality would basically turn into Kevin McAllister from Home Alone and eat a shitload of pizza and ice cream while watching mob movies and not brushing my teeth.
8. Spilly – Actually do smart survival shit.
So here’s the thing: eventually, nothing works if I’m the last man on earth, right? So no electricity, no functioning gas stations, eventually the water breaks down, internet dies, all of that. Most importantly, no one is left that can make proper barbecue. So first thing? Run around and eat as much meat as possible until it goes bad. Then I’m going to need to learn how to hunt so I can make my own barbecue. After that I’ll just live life one slab of meat at a time.
Ape: Awww, Spilly, you ruined our implausible draft of stupidity.
Trevor: Spilly, you’re like Emilio’s character in the the Breakfast Club who, when prompted about what he would do for a million dollars just says “as little as i’d have to, i guess.”
9. StuScottBooyahs – Hop in a plane and go wherever the hell I want.
Ed. note: Whew. Right back on track.
Maybe go strafe Pyongyang for the hell of it. America wins in the end, bitch.
10. Old James – Shit on Cowboys Stadium
The funniest part of the show that inspired this draft is Phil Miller’s pooping rig, where he cut a hole in a diving board and craps in a pool. With that in mind, you know how Cowboys fans like to claim that “no one is above the star?” With no one around I’d spend my days devising a way to hoist myself high enough over midfield and leave a mess that proves them all wrong.
11. Trevor Risk – Grow a Hitler mustache
Properly known as the “toothbrush moustache”, this handsome nasal drape was ruined by one guy, and that was like, a hundred years ago! Even a visible minority billionaire couldn’t make it tolerated by society again. I’d grow one of these immediately and play that game Charlie Chaplin played where he chased around his hat. Added bonus is that if anyone ever does show up, they’ll see me, become pretty terrified and subconsciously decide i’m the boss of everything.
12. Trevor Risk – Cross dress
I don’t have any deep desire to dress like a lady or become one, but I’m clearly going to relocate to a warmer part of the planet, and I’m mostly certain a sundress would be the most comfortable thing to wear in Palm Desert or wherever I end up. I mean, am I the only one who thinks the skirts v. jeans gender assignment is just anatomically puzzling and demonstrably backwards? If I’m gonna be swinging this pipe between my legs solo for the rest of time, I want to feel the wind on it. So, I’m pretty much girl Hitler, no relation to the Venture Bros. character of the same name.
13. Old James – Project a porno onto the side of the Washington Monument
14. StuScottBooyahs – Elaborate Dan Snyder revenge
I would spend several weeks learning authentic Native American rain dances based on established literature. After that, I would head to FedEx Field in a semitruck loaded with enormous drums bursting with gasoline and boxes of posters of the various NFL free agent and draft busts signed during Dan Snyder’s tenure. I would arrange each of the posters in the middle of FedEx Field in a fashion so that when you zoomed out, it would be Dan Snyder’s face, like that George W. Bush faces picture. Then I would get to work. I’d lug each of those drums into those doors, sweating in the hot, post-apocalyptic Maryland sun, tediously dousing every square inch of that godforsaken shithole with petroleum until there wasn’t a single spot in the stadium where you could stand and not get dizzy from the fumes. Then I would take a molotov cocktail, light it, and hurl it into the yawning blackness of the stadium’s main entrance and watch a burst of light begin to engulf the entire stadium in flames. And then I would dance for hours around the structure using my new Native American raindance as the smoke reaches high into the heavens. Then I’d put a gun in my mouth and blow my brains out, because let’s face it, it’s all downhill from there.
15. Spilly – Make a big poop splatter.
I’d say find the tallest building I can find, climb to the top, fill a balloon with feces and throw it as far off as I can, then measure the splatter.
16. Eric Sollenberger – Get really into opiates.
I would become extremely addicted to opium and just live out my days in a trance-like state of zen with no responsibilities.
17. David Rappoccio – Beat up geese.
Geese are assholes. Complete and total jerks. But “Animal activists” want you to “respect wildlife” and all that crap. Well with no goody two shoes telling me what animals I could and could not punch in the face, I would take out all my loneliness on natures asshole.
18. Johnny Sugar – Make a mannequin sitcom
Create a sitcom starring a bunch of mannequins I find. Then, after filming the first three episodes, write a thinkpiece in my new invented language about my mannequin show is problematic.
19. Christmas Ape – Lots of looting
Some necessary, some just for the love of looting. I probably won’t get as far as I’d like, which involves raiding every pro sports organization and stealing their trophies, but I can do some localized looting. As Spilly notes, a lot of food will go bad in a hurry, so I’ll make sure to load up on canned goods and liquor. Hit up a Home Depot and an REI or an army surplus store for a wheelbarrow and camping gear. I’ll try to pick through restaurants and mansions for their wine, as I’ll need drinks that will last for a while.
20. Big Sandy – Non-pooping sports venue tour
Once I steal a car from someone famous, I’m going to drive the country and do a bunch of stuff in sports stadiums like take batting practice from a pitching machine (or off a tee) at Wrigley, kick a ball through the uprights at the rose bowl, take a shit on the Patriot’s logo at the 50 yard line at Gilette Stadium, etc.
21. RobotsFightingDinosaurs – Make a Jello pool
Fill a truck with jello powder and dump it all into a pool and stir it up and let it sit until I have a gigantic Jello pool.
I’d probably drown but I don’t even care.
Side note, this narrowly beat out signing my name on famous works of art over the actual creators’ so that’s where my priorities are.
22. PFT Commenter – Id finaly have enough time to get around to learning Spanish